I'm more than just 'Peyton's mummy'

There's one thing I never, ever wanted to happen when I became a mum, and that was to lose my own identity.

Obviously I am going to change, and have to adapt my life to better suit my new role, but I didn't want to lose who I was. Confident, fun, outgoing, chatty, a big fan of Friends, a bigger fan of chocolate, a lover of red wine and cocktails, and a new fan of gin... anyway, I digress.

It's important for new mums - and just mums in general, actually - to remember who they are, and not just become someone's mum.

I am more than just Peyton's mummy. And some days, I forget that.

I forget that I need to have time for myself. I feel guilty for wanting to leave her and do something for me, but I shouldn't. Because self-care is important. If I don't look after myself I won't be the best mum that I can be to P.

The few baby groups that I have taken Peyton to were awful for stripping parents of their identity.

Her swimming lessons I was just "Peyton's mum". I didn't know the names of any of the other parents, and they won't have known mine either. I just knew so-and-so's dad and so-and-so's mum.
Her first lesson, I remember the instructor going round and saying to the newbies to introduce ourselves. I almost started to say "hi, I'm Natalie, and this is Peyton" until she interrupted me and said "ah well this must be Peyton."

Yes, but, hello? I am here too! The 5ft 9" blonde keeping her afloat in this pool? Aside from the fact she's 10 weeks old and can't actually reply to your question of name and age, you're obviously addressing me so surely it's courteous to at least ask my name?

But it was like I didn't matter. The teacher would even address us as so-and-so's mummy and so-and-so's daddy during the class.

The music class I went to was the same. I know these are all about the babies, but they are important for mums to socialise too. Especially first-time mums! And you're not going to get very far when you search on Facebook just for "Matthew's mum" because Sheila who was running the group didn't actually ask for any of your names.

It's one of the (many) reasons I'm not a big baby group fan. Especially going on my own, just me and Peyton. There's always mums there in little groups and cliques who don't speak to you, and it's even worse being on your own surrounded by a group of people.

I've come round to playgroups more (although these can, too, be mega daunting when going on your own when there's no structure and a real risk that you'll just sit there on your Jack Jones wrestling toys out of your baby's mouth for an hour) because the chat is more natural and less forced. The ones with structure, while removing the element of being a Billy no mates in the corner, never give you the chance to affirm any kind of identity to the group other than just being another mum.

Don't get me wrong, I love being Peyton's mummy. But I'm also a wife, a best friend, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a career woman, and so, so much more.

My whole life revolves around Peyton now, and that's how I always wanted it to be. I'm not sure I'm at the attachment parenting end of the scale, but Peyton is my world and she always, always cones first. But, while that's the case, I should still get to be me. I should still get my time.

Next month is my last full month of maternity leave before I am back at work and, while I am so excited to do lots of things with her before everything changes, I have some things planned just for me, too. I haven't really done anything for me in the last eight months, aside from my 45-minute nail appointment once a month. Don't get me wrong, I know that's more than a lot of mums get, but I would like to do more. So, I have booked myself in for a full body aromatherapy massage and me and my mum are going on a full day spa day with treatments and lunch and the lot!! I can't wait.

Tom and I have also said we'll try to have a date night, just the two of us, once a month. Nothing extravagant, because we're not made of money, but even if it's just a trip to the cinema like we used to do every week before we became parents; something that is just 'us' time. We've only had date night once since Peyton was born and that was only when my mum and dad basically told us they were babysitting and we were going out! They've done the same thing for Valentine's Day so we have booked somewhere to go out then, too.

It's so important to remember the person/people you were before you took on these roles of a lifetime, and they should never change as a result.

"Congratulations, you successfully completed six months of parenting"

We did it - we made it to six months as parents! I honestly feel like it should be celebrated more than it actually is; the fact you've kept this tiny person safe, helped them grow, and still have an ounce of sanity left after half a year.

When it comes to Peyton's first birthday (which scarily feels like it's very close now considering how quick the last six months have gone!) it's definitely going to be a celebration for me and Tom, as well as her. I'm thinking cocktails, prosecco... we've earned it after all!

Peyton turned six whole months old right before Christmas.

Six months. I still can't believe it.

When she was first born I would look at people with babies who were six months and think how much bigger they looked and how it seemed like a million years away. Now, I look back at photos and videos of when Peyton was first born and I can't ever remember her being that tiny. She was so much tinier than we were expecting; given thats everyone was suddenly an expert on baby size and predicted she'd be massive because of the size of my gut. But she was just so, so tiny.

I found a newborn vest in the bottom of her changing bag the other day and, I won't lie, I filled up. It was just so small, I can't believe she ever fit in it. God, what am I going to be like when she's older if I'm falling apart over a vest at six months?!

Six months was also my original breastfeeding target; something else that seemed light years away in those early days and weeks. I've not shied away from the fact I struggled with breastfeeding at the beginning. Now, however, we're in such a good routine with it that I really enjoy it; and I never thought I would say that.

I have no fears about feeding her anywhere that she needs to be fed; we're like well-oiled machines now. Although, she can be a tinker when we're out and about and she's feeding. She's so bloody nosey that the second someone speaks, or she hears a noise, her head turns 180 and she's gazing round - leaving my tit fully exposed and on show to the world and his wife. Even when I try cover up with a muslin she yanks that out of the way. She's a monkey.

I haven't really thought about what I'll do with breastfeeding from now, I'm just going to take everyday as it comes. I don't want to try and force her to wean off it if she isn't ready yet; especially now she has started sprouting actual teeth. But, by the same token, I definitely do not want to still be breastfeeding a toddler, that is out of the question. I go back to work in March so I think she'll naturally start to wean off then, given that I'll be away from her for nine hours a day (sob).

Weaning is going really well, though. I can already tell that her feeds during the day are reducing. She now goes much longer in between than she did. Milk still needs to be her main source of nutrition until she's one but I am finding, especially at the moment, that when I offer it she declines it more times than she has it. That is, except, during the night where she seems to want to feed every two to three hours at the moment; which is bloody exhausting. It's no wonder she isn't feeding as much in the day!

She still won't take a bottle but she is getting really good with cups now, and takes milk really well from them. So I'm not worried about how she'll get her milk when she goes to nursery.

Hopefully, if we are still breastfeeding when she turns 1, we can start a smooth transition then from breast milk straight to cows milk and gradually get her weaned off that way. If she took a bottle I would start now and give her formula for a feed a day, then up it to two feeds etc. so to start weaning her off now. But, because she point blank refuses, I'm not sure what to do. I don't think I'd be able to give her formula in her cups because they'd need sterilising first. I know there comes a point where you can stop sterilising their bottles etc but I don't know when it is - maybe someone can enlighten me?

Anyway, for now, we'll continue as we are and just take each day at a time. Now that teeth are coming through we will just play it by ear with how she is with them. As soon as she starts biting me and it becomes a problem then I'll have to spring a plan into action to save my nips. I can't believe how sharp her little tooth that she has now is and the thought of it slicing through my nipple makes me want to cry already.

Enough about my nipples...

The last six months have passed by in the blink of an eye. People would always say to me "enjoy it, it goes so fast" and it's so, so true. Don't get me wrong, some moments it's felt like time was going by incredibly slowly. On the whole, though, it's gone so quick. I've already had over seven months off work now which is just mental.

In less than two months I will be back at work. I'm really not sure how I feel about that at the moment. I'm looking forward to going back because I love my job. I'm also looking forward to adult conversation, not having Peppa Pig on a loop all day, being able to actually use my brain and, of course, earning a proper wage again and waving ta-ta to maternity pay.

But, my God, I will miss Peyton so, SO much. I'm so worried that I will miss so much of her growing and developing, too. I know that is just the mum guilt kicking in; she'll love nursery and it'll make the days we do have together so much more special. But it doesn't make it any easier. I hope when she's older she'll understand why I went back to work full time and doesn't judge me for abandoning her.

The next six months are going to see so many changes for us all as she gets properly mobile, starts to get ready for her first word, cuts more teeth...

I can't wait to watch her grow but I do wish time would slow down just a little bit.

Reflecting on 2018 - a year of firsts

2018 was pretty incredible.

I said it about 2017, what with my hen party, my best friend's hen party, us getting married, my best friend also getting married, our honeymoon, finding out we were having P... but 2018 topped that.

I always knew becoming a mum would change me, I just didn't realise how much. I've always been maternal and have always been so excited to have a baby and start a family.

2018 just fulfilled all my dreams and wishes. It was incredibly hard, don't get me wrong. Whilst my pregnancy was quite smooth sailing compared to how others have it, I did struggle being pregnant. I struggled with how much my body changed; and how rapidly. My size was a big issue, not only to me but to other people it seemed. People seemed to find it okay to comment on how big I was and pass judgement on how far along I looked, how big they thought my baby would be and when they thought I'd give birth, because "surely you can't go to full term if you're that size already".

It was horrific and sometimes it really got me down.

My body is still something I struggle to accept now. I hate my stretch marks, my saggy belly, my ginormous boobs... I have found myself being really critical of my body, something I got out of the habit of doing a long time ago. I really must stop, though. Not only for me but for Peyton. I don't want her to overhear me saying how much I hate my body and her to grow up thinking she has to feel the same way. I don't want her to think she has to conform to these unrealistic images we are drip-fed every single day, brainwashed into thinking are real life when, in reality, there's a hell of a lot of editing and filters been applied to the person before us.

I'm so thankful that I didn't grow up in a world with social media. MSN, MySpace, Piczo and Bebo were about as close as we got but even they weren't as readily accessible as it all is now as we didn't have internet on our phones 'back in those days'. I really want Peyton to be body confident because I know that, no matter her shape or size, she will be beautiful.

Right, enough of the deep shit! Back to reflecting on 2018!

Our first daughter, our first child, born June 20th. She was one week overdue and it was the longest week of my entire life. I won't go into my birth story again because I've gone into that, at length, before. If you'd like to read it again here is my version and here is Tom's version.

From there, it was my first birthday as a mum; her first bonfire night; her first trip to Selby firework display; her first time meeting Father Christmas; her first holiday; her first foods... all the firsts have been incredible.

She managed to squeeze one more first in, too, just before 2018 ended - her first tooth!

Yep, that's right, our baby girl has an actual, proper gnasher!

I spotted a dark hole on her bottom gum the weekend before Christmas and said to Tom I wondered if a tooth was on its way through. On Christmas Eve I could feel something bumpy on her gum, where the hole was, and by Boxing Day it had come through enough to be able to see it!

It's bloody sharp for a teeny, tiny tooth. Thankfully she hasn't bitten me while I've been feeding her, but I can sense it is coming. Each time I go to feed her my toes curl as she latches on in anticipation for the bite.

Her first Christmas thankfully wasn't ruined by the arrival of her tooth. She was still in great spirits; so much so that she was having way too much fun to nap at all during the day so went a steady 14 hours without any kip. Needless to say that she started to wear out around tea time and bedtime was welcomed when it came!

It was so lovely her first Christmas. We all went to my mum and dad's - both my family and Tom's. We did the same last year and my dad built a massive table to fit us all around.

It was so nice to be all together again this year, especially with it being Peyton's first Christmas. Her little face when she was presented with all her new toys was amazing. I could see she didn't know what to play with first.

Our house now looks like an off-shoot of Smyth's Toy Store, there are toys everywhere you look. Yet, despite all of that, her favourite thing to play with is a packet of Haribo and the tv remotes. She could have hours of fun with a bag of sweets, bless her!

2018 is going to take some serious topping. We've nothing even firmly planned yet for this year. We would like to go on our first family holiday abroad, so I expect in the coming weeks we will look into that and try and get something booked. Towards the end of the year I expect we'll maybe be starting to discuss/think about a brother or sister for Peyton (although it does heavily depend on how she is because if she's an absolute sassy diva nightmare we are waiting until she's older!) Before we can even think about baby number two I think we would probably need to look at moving house. We could stay where we are now with another baby but it would be way more cramped than I would like.

Suddenly 2019 feels like it's going to be filled with a lot of stress...!

Forgetting all of that for now, I'll worry about that when the time comes around, 2019 will see our baby girl have her first birthday, no doubt her first steps, her first word(s), her first day at nursery... there are still so many firsts that we have to look forward to; and I cannot wait!