I'm not the mum I thought I was going to be

Before Peyton was born, and even before I got pregnant, I always imagined the kind of mum that I would be.

I thought I'd be this patient, calm parent who spent her weekends baking, doing arts and crafts, and snuggling on the sofa reading nicely.

In reality, I probably couldn't be further away from that.

My patience is as thin as my postpartum hair and any moments of calm are quickly disturbed by Peyton trying to climb on the kitchen table/pull the cat's tail off/opening the oven door/turning the washing machine on/throwing her plastic toys at the TV screen. I shout way more than I thought I ever would and lose my temper quicker than she loses her socks.

I don't think I've baked anything since she was born. I fondly remember, when I was overdue, baking cookies one afternoon (and eating them all to myself, but that's neither here nor there) and thinking how lovely it would be to do that with Peyton once she was here.

But nope, I barely have time to make us a proper meal some days let alone spend hours baking (and then cleaning up the subsequent mess afterwards).

I always said that I wouldn't let her watch TV while eating or things on our phones while we were out. I swore I'd never let her eat snacks while she was in her pushchair, and definitely wouldn't let her eat things out of the shopping on the way around the supermarket. Oh, how naive I was.

I don't think a meal time goes by at home where she's not sat craning her neck in the highchair in the kitchen trying to see the TV in the lounge. I think she thinks that the TV is broken when it isn't turned on, because it's literally on all. the. time.

And when we're out, especially if it involves her sitting still at a meal, we always resort to the good ol' CBeebies app and plenty of episodes of Bing, Teletubbies, and anything with Justin pissin' Fletcher. It's the only thing that stops her climbing out of the highchair/trying to run amok/kicking off; and even then it only buys us half an hour.

It's all well and good having all these 'ideals' in your head before coming a parent, and all the things you would and wouldn't do, but in reality it's all so much different.

In reality, I'm often chasing myself around so much that I catch myself coming back. Between working full-time, making sure there's food in the fridge/cupboards, keeping the house clean and tidy, keeping on top of the ever-growing washing pile, organising childcare and making sure Peyton's always looked after, and looking after Tom (that's a full-time job in itself!), I sometimes have to resort to leaving Peyton to watch CBeebies just so I can get anything done.

I saw an article recently about someone who'd been on This Morning saying kids under a certain age (I want to say three, but I can't be certain) shouldn't have any screen time as it's bad for their health/development/something else that sounded important.

It riled me. Not least because I wish I lived in the perfect world that she must, to not have to resort to Justin Fletcher parenting your child for 20 minutes so you can have a poo in peace, or quickly put a load of washing on and empty the dishwasher; and to be able to take your child out for a meal and not have to stick the iPad in front of them just so you can wolf down your food before the inevitable kick-off because they want to run around the place causing havoc.  Imagine.

The comments on it were, surprisingly, all in favour of this woman and her screen time rules. I thought more people would be of my viewpoint given the fact that, you know, they were watching This Morning and taking time out of their day to comment on a social media post...!

Despite my reliance on CBeebies to get me through day-to-day life, and my inability to throw a Saturday afternoon baking activity into the mix, I don't think I've strayed too far away from my pre-parenting parenting ideas.

I am totally that mum who waits for the given opportunity when I can get my phone out and show off the most recent photos and videos of Peyton, I talk about her all the time, I think about her all the time when I'm not with her, I constantly worry about her, I love her so much that I genuinely can't imagine ever loving another child the same, and I'm totally and utterly obsessed with her. I love when she comes over to me for a cuddle and a kiss, I love when she walks down the street and reaches up to hold my hand, and I love the way she stands at the end of her cot waiting for me to go in and get her on a morning.

Yeah, she can be an arsehole sometimes and already, at not even 18 months old, knows what exact buttons to press with me (and the TV remote!), but she's such a funny, clever, little character and my world wouldn't be the same without her.

Ok, maybe it would be less expensive, less tiring, less busy and way less chaotic, but how boring would that be?!

So even though I'm nothing like the mum I thought I was going to be, I still think I'm doing a pretty good job.

Baby girl, you're getting so big

Peyton is almost 14 months old now.

Next month, we are going on our first family holiday abroad - to Dubai!

I am so unbelievably excited for a week of fun in the sun with my little team. I am slightly apprehensive about the seven hour flight that will get us there, but I'm thinking positive about it (and arming myself with as many Quavers as I can pack...!)

We went to Dubai on our honeymoon but it was a flying visit, just three nights (and only two days), so we always said we would love to go back. When we were looking for a holiday back in January we found an absolutely amazing deal to go for a week in September, which was too good to turn down, so we booked it. We thought we may as well while Peyton is still free, because who knows when we'll next be able to afford to go abroad.

She's growing up and changing so much every single day, I'm so excited to see what she's like when we're there. She will love the beach; she always has loads of fun playing in the sand at nursery. And I know she'll love the sea and the pool, too, because water is her favourite.

While her personality is coming out more and more everyday, she's also starting to chill out a bit more. Now, she sits happily watching something on TV (Bing is currently the most hypnotising which is great when I want to get something done, but rubbish because he's the whiniest bunny known to man!) and it quite content cuddling into me on the sofa. She's not been all that cuddly since I stopped breastfeeding her. Then, she loved nothing more than a cuddle (and some boob).

Don't get me wrong, she's still a live wire. She will race around the house like a mad woman: screaming, clapping, laughing, shrieking, squealing and just causing general mayhem. However, those moments are balanced out now with some calm, something I felt was lacking for quite a while!

She's getting more and more adventurous with each passing day, which is so lovely to see. She loves exploring the world around her; whether it be an animal or a stone. She loves dogs and cats, and is partial to the cows that are in the field next to her nursery. 

What's probably most exciting at the moment, is she has started saying proper words. We've had "iya" for a week or so now. I absolutely love going into her bedroom on a morning. I open her door and say good morning everyday, and now she's started replying with "iya" with a massive cheeky grin on her face.

This weekend, she's learnt "no", accompanied with the shaking of her head. Now, when she doesn't want a drink, or won't have the Calpol, I get "no" with a firm shake of the head. It's hard not to laugh, because it's so bloody cute, but also really annoying. To be fair, the amount of times I tell her no, I'm not surprised she's picked it up quick.

She also says "oh noooo" whenever she drops anything, which is my favourite so far. She sounds so Yorkshire when she says it, I just love it. I'm also taking a small mum win from the fact it's "oh no" and not "oh shit". It's honestly a miracle, because I swear I say shit more than no.

Everyday I feel like she learns something else at the moment, and I love it. Even stupid things like learning to use cutlery make me wanna burst with pride.

I always thought the baby stage would be my favourite, and never thought too much about having a toddler. However, I must say, that so far I am loving this so much more than I ever thought.

Don't get me wrong, nothing beats the newborn weeks and when they're a baby. There's something so magical and special about that. But, while so, it was a shock to my system. I wasn't sure what to expect, was winging everything from the second I opened my eyes each morning, and I struggled to adapt to this new life. 

Now, she's like a proper little person. She interacts with me, understands what I am saying, and is just so, so loving. She'll come up to me and give me kisses and cuddles (albeit kisses with her mouth open, but we're working on that), she'll hold my hand and walk me around the garden, and she is absolutely hilarious. I feel, dare I say it, like I have my shit together now. My ducks are in something that resembles a row, life feels like it's in order, and everything just feels really, really good.

I loved her being a baby; nothing will ever, ever beat that newborn phase. I'm honestly starting to fill up just thinking about it. But, my God, I'm enjoying her being a toddler way more than I ever thought I would.

I'll come back to you in a few months when the inevitable tantrums start and I am tearing my hair out. But, for now, I am absolutely loving this stage we're at. 

Sorry for the radio silence

Hello!

Sorry for the radio silence from me, life has run away from me a little bit recently.

I've been back at work full-time since July and it's been a real juggling act. It's so hard finding the time to fit everything - and everyone - in now that I spend five days a week at work all day. However, it's got to be done and, for the moment, we're making it work.

I'm still at Slimming World - just 3lbs away from my target now. Although, after the last few days, probably a few more than that!

I'm feeling so, so, so much better about myself. I would almost go as far to say as I feel back to my old self. I'm feeling confident, happy and so comfortable in my own skin again.

Last week I wore a dress that I bought the summer I finished uni and got my first "proper" job; a whole six years ago.

I used to wear it a lot to work, but worried I'd never fit into it again.

Yet, here we are, wearing it on Thursday!!

I'm back in all my pre-pregnancy clothes now and have bought some lovely new things for our holiday (one month today, wahoo!) including bikinis!!!!

Yes, I know I said a few months ago you wouldn't ever see me in a bikini again, but that's how much better I feel. Granted, they are high-waisted bottoms, because I'm not feeling that confident, but it's a huge step that I didn't think I would be taking any time soon.

I really hope I feel as good once we get there, and I step onto the beach. If not, I've got some lovely beach trousers I can wear to cover up!

So, what else have we been doing?

I feel like our feet haven't touched the ground. 

You know, I don't even think I've written about Peyton's first birthday until tonight. So, I've written a separate little something about that, which you can read by clicking on these words here.

It's not the most riveting read. However, I feel like I've started a bit of a tradition here with blogging milestones etc, so couldn't miss her first birthday. 

We've also been to CBeebies Land which was a great day out for Tom and I, as well as P. Again, if you want to read all about that then just follow this link here.

And, finally, we've been to In the Night Garden: Live at the theatre. Another fun-filled, family day out which I've written a few words about, incase anyone is interested, here.

Those are probably some of the bigger, more exciting things. However, we've also done loads of other stuff. We had a heatwave, which warmed us up nicely for Dubai's temperatures; Peyton's started having sleepovers at my mum and dad's; and she's had her first, proper haircut.

Yep, at 13 months old the girl has finally had a much-needed chop.

Granted, it was so much shorter than I was anticipating...

However, it was needed. The top was unruly and the back and sides were just not in the same league.

Now, it's all the same length and is much more tidy.

She had it cut last weekend and, already, it's grown loads. I'm hoping, by the time we go away, we'll be able to put it back in her signature top knot. As much as it's nice her having her hair down, I do love her with it in a pony/top knot!

We've found a love of hoovering...

...eating at the big table...

...visiting the pub...

...being pushed around on my trike...

...eating cucumber whole...

...and a love for animals.

I've really missed writing my blog. I sometimes will be laid in bed, ready to go to sleep, and suddenly will think of loads of things I want to write about. However, finding the time to actually write them is another matter!

The only reason I've managed to churn out so much tonight is because Tom is at work so I've sat here writing since Peyton went to bed at 7pm, and haven't had any tea...! It's gone 9pm now so probably better sign off soon and feed my face.

While I've missed writing, it's also been quite nice.

I've only ever written my blog for me. I started writing it while I was at uni as a place to share my thoughts on current events, issues and topics that I was passionate about. It was a place to show off my writing style and practice writing things that weren't academic essays. I could write about things I was interested in, and that I had an opinion on.

I've shared almost every single milestone moment since then on my blog. Meeting Tom, getting engaged, wedding planning, pregnancy, becoming a mum, dealing with the hard times that brings... 

It's been a place to offload, make sense of how I feel and what I think, and document how my life is changing. It makes me happy to think I've all these periods in my life to look back on one day, like an electronic diary I'm sharing with everyone else.

Whilst that's always been my intention for my blog, I've found myself spending more time looking at the views each post gets. Previously, I'd post it and think nothing of it. However, my last few blogs I've been checking the views; the likes it's got on Facebook; how many people have commented. 

It bothered me that I was starting to care about that, because I've never written this for anyone else; only for me. It's so easy to get tangled up in this social media web, and I didn't want that.

I wanted to keep doing this for me; and for P.

So many things I think about writing but don't, because I don't think people will want to read them. But, from now, I'm going to write it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. The highs, the low and the in betweens. 

I can't promise I'll write as regularly as I used to, but I will do my best.

In the Night Garden: Live

I don't even know where to begin with this. Like my wish to bring Teletubbies on our flight to Dubai, I would also like to bring the cast of this live show.

Peyton's not one for sitting still for prolonged periods of time, but she sat for 30 minutes without moving during this show.

Even the last 15 minutes, she just hopped from my knee, to Tom's, to her own seat; but still sat nicely and watched.

Of course, snacks helped the cause too, but even so she was enthralled.

For those who have never seen In the Night Garden, I don't really know how to explain it to you. I don't fully understand it myself.

There are various characters, all brightly coloured, who explore the night garden and, according to Google, differentiate between awake and asleep.

It's on CBeebies right at the end of each day, during bedtime hour. It's been a part of our bedtime routine for quite some months now. Peyton has her bath and then comes downstairs, watches In the Night Garden while having her milk, then goes off to bed.

As soon as the music starts, it has this calming effect on her. She kicks back and relaxes. Until her bottle is finished, that is, then she's off the sofa and stood as close to the TV as she can get!

So, when we found out the live show was going to be at the theatre at Hull, we couldn't wait to go.

I was a bit worried that Peyton would be too young. However, I was aware we were taking her to something was aimed at toddlers and young children, and not an adult show where her roaming the aisles would piss a load of people off.

In reality, there were loads of kids racing around, crying, screaming, kicking off..

As soon as the lights dipped and the music started, she was gone. Enthralled.

Her little face when the characters came out was priceless. We went to watch this just a few days after we'd been to CBeebies Land. I feel like my Iggle Piggle quota was met for the year then.

But P loved it. Even though she loves watching it on TV, it doesn't hold her attention for that long. She'll watch the start, and when they're singing/dancing, but apart from that she goes about her usual business; playing with toys/books, and drinking her milk.

I was so surprised she sat and watched it all.

A few people have asked me if I'd recommend it, and I so would. If Peyton, the fidgety, ants in her pants little girl can sit still through it, anyone can.

The show was 45 minutes in total; just slightly longer than a normal episode. I honestly couldn't tell you what happened in it, I was too busy watching Peyton's face.

However, the best bit was when the pinky ponk came out and flew over the audience.

Parents of In the Night Garden fans will appreciate how special this moment was.

I'm not sure where else the tour is going this year, but if you've a small fan of In the Night Garden (or are even partial to it yourself) I would definitely recommend you go.

We had the best afternoon. There really is no greater feeling as a parent than watching your little one enjoy the things you are doing.

CBeebies land

Last month, Tom was gifted tickets for us all to Alton Towers so we could visit CBeebies Land.

Peyton loves CBeebies.

Her favourites are Teletubbies, In the Night Garden and Bing. She's also quite partial to anything with Justin Fletcher/Mr Tumble on.

I was confident that, even though she was only just one, she would enjoy the day. And she did!

She raced around all day, went on as many rides as possible (the height restriction on a lot was 0.9m, which Peyton was just underneath; even with her top knot!)

It's totally geared up for small ones, albeit 'smaller' ones who are bigger than Peyton. Nevertheless, she still had a great day.

We timed it perfectly to eat our picnic just before The Teletubbies Big Bang live show started. We took a picnic because we knew that food would be expensive; and we're tight. Most people had picnics, if I'm honest. Pushchairs were used, primarily, to push cool bags and picnic baskets around, with tired toddlers strolling alongside.

Peyton was ready for dinner after a morning on rides. The first ride we went on was the Postman Pat one. She sat in the drivers seat while I sat behind, holding onto her for dear life.

She was so perplexed, bless her. The whole way round she looked so confused. It wasn't until we were pulling into the bit to get off that she started shrieking, clapping and waving. I asked the guy if we could go round again, but there was a queue by this point; and I didn't want to risk her kicking off if we had to queue.

Queues are one thing that weren't ideal about the whole day; but were something we expected. The longest queue we waited in was just over 10 minutes. Now, for Alton Towers, you'd take that for a 'big' ride. But, for CBeebies Land, 10 minutes is a loooooooong time.

The park is really good in that it tailors for bored toddlers. Dotted at various points of the queue were little games/toys/things to keep the small ones entertained. This helped to a degree. Only snacks really kept her from having a meltdown, though.

The long queue was for the In the Night Garden boat ride. It was worth the queue, I must say. Peyton loves In the Night Garden. She loves the characters, the music - everything. She has some little toys of the characters from it and she carries them round so nicely (she's learnt to kiss recently and will give them all kisses and cuddles).

She loved the ride, seeing the characters. It was like a little episode. Although, it was so hard trying to get her to sit down/stay still. All she wanted was to dive into the water and get to the characters!

There weren't many other rides that she was able to go on, due to the height restrictions. But I was pleased we were able to go on the In the Night Garden one (not that she'd have known any different!)

The Teletubbies show was brilliant, I must say. I hate people dressed up as characters, it's been a phobia of mine since I was about Peyton's age.

My mum and dad always remind me of the time we queued for ages to meet Mr Blobby, only for me to lose my mind when I got near and scream the place down.

These Teletubbies were terrifying,  and I genuinely thought I'd spend the whole time comforting a screaming Peyton. But no. I had to hold the belt loop on he jeans to stop her running off and joining in the show!

There were children older than her hiding behind their parents (genuinely didn't blame them, and wanted to join them in hiding!) and she couldn't get enough.

It was kind of like a live version of an episode. I think it went on for about 15-20 minutes (although it felt a lot longer!) However, Peyton sat still on either mine or Tom's knee the whole way through. I asked Tom how much he thought it would cost to get them on our flight to and from Dubai in a few weeks, given the calming effect they had on her (once she was over the initial excitement and wanted to join in!)

After each show, you got the chance to meet the characters. My idea of hell, but I wanted to embrace the full experience for Peyton. She won't ever remember going, so I wanted to make sure we had loads of photos to show her when she's older; and no doubt moans we're mean for not taking her!

I don't know who was more excited about meeting them, Peyton or Tom!

As well as the rides, there's a lovely little sensory garden to walk through right by the entrance to CBeebies Land. Peyton had great fun in here!

It was one of the first family days out we've done where she predominantly walked all day. We took the pram as well, because she got a bit tired late afternoon, but it was mainly to push all our stuff around in.

We've loved family days out since she was born, but they're so much nicer now you can see her enjoying the things we do. I just wish that she would remember all the fun things we do now.

When she started to tire, we went for a walk around the main Alton Towers theme park. We toyed with queueing for some of the bigger rides, but given that we would've had to have gone on one at a time, so one of us could wait with P, we didn't think it was worth it. We had a lovely walk round the park, while Peyton enjoyed waving at everyone we passed.

We found one ride in the main park that she could go on - hurrah!

The carousel. She absolutely hated it at first. I was just about to spring over the fence and get her off when it started moving. Thankfully, once it was spinning she changed her tune and was loving life. Again, waving at everyone stood watching!

The entry to CBeebies Land isn't separate, and is included in the main Alton Towers entry. So it was a shame that we couldn't enjoy more of Alton Towers itself. Although, we didn't actually pay for our tickets so I wasn't too bothered about that.

Had I paid full whack, I would've been fuming!

We made our way back to CBeebies Land after realising there wasn't much out there for her to enjoy. There were loads of toys and games out for small ones to play with. She was enjoying stacking loads of rubber bricks on top of each other when all of a sudden she squealed super loud and bolted towards the stage. Before I had chance to even catch my breath, she was off!

I looked up, and her two faves from In the Night Garden had appeared. Peyton lost her mind, it was hilarious. She was so excited!

I think that was probably the highlight of the day; seeing the sheer joy in her face when she saw them.

We found another ride in CBeebies Land that she was able to go on. It was like the carousel but with small cars/bikes for the little ones to sit on, and a big bench in the middle for parents. It went really, really fast and I felt so dizzy when we got off.

In total, we were probably there for about six hours. That was more than enough for me - and Peyton - as we were both absolutely shattered.

It was such a good day, though. Anyone with a toddler who likes the characters on CBeebies, I would highly recommend.

It's definitely somewhere that we will go back when she is a bit older, and can enjoy everything a bit more.  I think, if we were to go again, we would probably stay either the night before or the night of being there. It's a long way just for a day, and we definitely lost a bit of park time due to the travelling.

The CBeebies hotel looks like great fun, so maybe when she's a bit older and can appreciate it all a bit more, we'll remortgage our house and stay in that, too!