07/10/2018

It's been a year since I found out I was pregnant

I can't believe where the time has gone - I honestly remember it like it was yesterday.


We'd got back from our honeymoon on the Tuesday and, the last few days we were there, I'd said to Tom I had felt different. We'd been trying for just a month at this time, so I didn't think we would be lucky enough for it to happen straight away.

I blamed my growing boobs on the fact I'd been eating three desserts a night while in the Seychelles!



We went into town on the Wednesday and Tom said I should get a pregnancy test, just to see. I didn't want to, though. I didn't want us to go home and me do a test and us have the anticipation and build-up, then it be negative. While we never expected it to happen straight away, it would feel like such a blow if it came up 'not pregnant'.


The following day, I went into town with my mum for lunch. We went to New Look and I bought lots of lovely autumnal clothes (which I managed to wear for approx a month before none fit - smashing!) and she went to Boots for a flu jab. While there I considered getting a test, just so I'd know. I didn't, incase she came out from getting her jab and caught me in the queue with one, and instead went back into town later that day. I went to Tesco - I figured I'd see less people in there I'd know, given I used to work in Morrisons!

I dashed home, as I was going out for tea with my best friend so had to be quick, and peed on the stick as directed. It didn't take long for the result to appear 'pregnant 1-2 weeks' it said. Holy fuck. I remember standing in our downstairs loo shaking. I whipped out the other test and tried to do that to check it wasn't false. Although, of course, squeezing another wee out so soon after was hard - but it gave the same answer.



I didn't know what to do. Tom was at work and I was going out. I couldn't believe it - I was pregnant.

When I got home later, and Tom strolled in the door, he had a paper bag in his hand. "I bought you this, just do it whenever" and he chucked the bag my way - it contained a pregnancy test. I tried to hide my smile. I'd been thinking all night about how to break the news to him, and all my plans had gone out the window now.

"You've already done one, haven't you?" he asked. I grinned. "You're pregnant aren't you?!" he asked. I smiled and nodded.

And that was it.


We didn't tell our families for a couple of weeks, until we went out for my birthday. As desperate as I was to tell them, I was also terrified. The more people who knew, the more people we'd have to tell if something went wrong.

I had my booking in appointment at the doctors, with the community midwife, on my birthday. It was a birthday I'll never, ever forget. Usually on my birthday we go away for a night, have a day in Leeds shopping and drinking cocktails, and go out for a nice meal. But last year, I went to the doctors to book myself in with the midwife.



It was quite easy to get around going into work late that morning, given it was my birthday. I just told my boss a little white lie that I was going for a birthday breakfast with Tom as he was on a late that day. We spent the evening sitting on sun loungers in our living room (our sofa had gone into storage as we were waiting for the delivery of our new one) and eating Domino's.

I don't know how we'll spend my birthday this year, but we'll have our gorgeous little girl here to join us in whatever we do. Something we dreamed would be the case this time last year.


October is baby loss awareness month and I kept seeing stuff all over Facebook about it. I panicked every time. We were so, so lucky to get pregnant so quickly, it just seemed too good to be true. I was convinced something bad was going to happen and we'd lose our little pea.

Every strange feeling I had, I'd rush straight to the loo. Every sensation, every bit of fluid, I was straight to the toilet to check. I wanted to buy a test everyday to check I was still pregnant. I was a woman on the edge.


People try for months, years, to conceive and, even when they catch on, suffer the most heartbreaking miscarriages. Baby loss is so, so common - even though it isn't talked about as much as it should be - and I felt we were just too lucky.

I couldn't wait for our scan. I just wanted confirmation that 1. the baby was still in there, and 2. everything was ok.

Of course, it all was, and once my sickness kicked in I had regular, daily reminders that I was pregnant.

The last year has been the biggest, most life-changing whirlwind. Being a mum is something I have always dreamed of.



When I was little I had dolls for way longer than my friends (and was probably socially acceptable!) One in particular, Katie, was my absolute favourite. She had a birthday - and would have a party; she wore proper baby clothes and proper baby nappies; and was my way of pretending I had a real life baby.

I've always known I wanted to be a mum and, was stupid as it sounds, I feel like my life is complete now Peyton is here. It's the job I have always wanted. Don't get me wrong, it's the hardest job I've ever had. But, my god, it's the most rewarding, too.

My first blogs when Peyton was born, looking back now, all sound quite negative. My blog has always been a place I have liked to write things down and get things off my chest, particularly on the bad days. When we have had all the good days, I feel so happy and content in myself that I don't feel I need to write. I've realised, though, that I do need to talk about all the fabulous sides of being a mum. Not just for me, but for Peyton when she's older. I don't want her to read all my blogs and think she was a nightmare child or that I struggled and was miserable, because that would be totally inaccurate. We've had bad afternoons/mornings/nights/the odd day, but on the whole she has been an absolute dream.

We've made so many amazing, special memories already. We've had such wonderful, happy days out as a family, just me and her, and with our friends.


She's such a happy, smiley little girl and has completed our world. Everyday she is learning something new and becoming more aware of the world around her. Her latest trick this week has been taking my glasses off and launching them across the room - not ideal.

Peyton will be 16 weeks next week, and four months old on the 20th. I've ordered some bits this week off Amazon to get us ready for weaning. I can't believe it's time to start thinking about that already, but I need to be organised otherwise time will creep up on us and I won't know where to begin.


I've ordered Annabel Karmel's book on weaning which is basically a how to guide on what to feed, when to feed and how to feed your baby. I haven't had chance to read it yet... but I've flicked through the contents and it looks really helpful. I'm unsure what route we will go down when it comes to introducing food, whether we'll do baby-led, puree or a mixture of both.

If we start before six months, we will do puree to begin with, then maybe begin with baby-led at six months. But, honestly, until we start I don't think I know what we'll do. It all depends on how Peyton is with it.

I'm excited to start introducing food, but also a bit scared - and maybe sad, too - because it means she's growing up. And while that is amazing and exciting because it opens up a whole new chapter, it means she won't be as dependant on me anymore. I've already mentioned about weaning her off the boob in a previous post. At the start, making it to six months seemed impossible. I remember around three weeks in thinking I'd be happy if I made it to a month, then it was two, then three. Now I can't imagine stopping.


In the early days, it was tough. More because I felt so unprepared, uneducated and totally unaware of what the realities of breastfeeding really were. I didn't know about cluster feeding, I didn't know what was normal, and I didn't know how I would ever feed in public. Now, I just whack the boob out wherever is required. I used to cover up with a muslin, but I've now found ways to keep my boob all covered, with Peyton covering the bit she needs, so you can't see anything. Plus, she hated being covered up (as would anyone if you threw a cloth over them while they were eating!)

I love breastfeeding now. And I can't believe I'm over halfway to my goal of six months. 


I've gone off on all sorts of tangents now, I do apologise. 

My life has changed an unexplainable amount in the last year, but I don't think I would have it any other way. 




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