However, after being so hard on myself for the past 12 months, and beating myself up so hard about how I've looked, I'm finally starting to like myself a bit more again.
I'm still sticking at Slimming World, and have lost almost a stone now. My first week was fabulous, losing 5.5lbs, but since then progress has slowed somewhat. Last week I lost 2.5lbs, leaving me just 1.5lbs away from my one stone award. However, after Peyton's birthday celebrations, I feel a gain may be on the horizon at weigh-in tonight.
Despite that, I can finally tell that I am losing weight. Last week I discovered (by accident) that I fit back into my pre-pregnancy, skinny jeans. I used to call them my 'target jeans' because they only fit me really comfortably when I was close to target.
Last week, as I was fishing around in the wardrobe in the dark, I pulled out some black jeans for work. As I pulled them on, I was puzzled as to why they had buttons on; the jeans I'd been wearing were an elasticated waist. It was then that I realised I'd grabbed the wrong ones, but I needn't have worried because I COULD FASTEN THEM UP! I could've cried tears of happiness.
I could sit down in them without feeling like I was being sliced in half by cheese wire, and I didn't have as much of a muffin top as I expected. So, off I went to work proudly sporting my size 10s (not that anybody would have ever known any difference to the size 12 elasticated waist babies).
People have also started to notice now that I've lost weight. And, honestly, that's the biggest motivation for me. Often you can't tell in yourself, and I only ever can by how my clothes fit me, so it's so rewarding to hear it from someone else. It makes the times I've refused cake worthwhile!
We were at a christening at the weekend, when I became godmother to our best friends' baby girl, and I was really struggling to find an outfit. I spent a whole day at Meadowhall traipsing round the shops twice; all with Peyton in tow. I tried loads on and hated how I looked in every single thing.
As I was about to give up and cry the whole way home, I popped into Topshop again. I don't usually buy anything from Topshop. I find some things can be a bit too quirky sometimes and always more expensive than I am willing to pay. However, I found a gorgeous skirt which was exactly what I was looking for. It was a golden yellow colour and was satin. I took a size 12 and 10 into the changing room to try; aware that Topshop usually size smaller. However, I fit in the 10! I was absolutely chuffed, I bought the skirt right away (forgetting I would then have to start the hunt for a top...!)
I felt so confident and happy on Sunday, it's amazing what a good item of clothing can do. Unfortunately, Peyton's mucky fingers had one too many run-ins with my skirt and I ended up leaving with greasy finger marks smeared all over it. Cracking.
It's been a long, long road to get to how I am feeling right now. And I am still not there yet. I still have huge, huge body hang-ups. My tummy is still super wobbly and I still detest my stretch marks. However, I do feel a million times better, more confident and happier in my own skin.
I feel more like the 'old' me everyday. I've started making more effort with my hair and make-up on a daily basis, and have even started wearing my contact lenses more; rather than just hiding behind my glasses.
Ever since starting Slimming World in 2015 I've been a huge advocate of the plan. Since starting back last month I have rediscovered my self-confidence and am slowly learning how to like myself again. We have a wedding at the end of next month and I would really like to be at target for that. I always find that having a goal helps to motivate me more, so fingers crossed I manage it.
I most definitely want to be at target for when we go to Dubai in September. And that should definitely be more than achievable.
Well done you look lovely x
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