A little update

Fresh off the back of a nasty chest infection, we've had the best couple of weeks with Peyton. I'm starting to feel really Christmassy now and I'm so much more excited than normal. I love Christmas anyway, but this year feels even more magical and special.

She's been so happy, so smiley and so cheeky. She really seems like she's starting to understand things now - and her facial expressions are just brilliant.

We're hitting so many 'milestones'. When she wants something that's not nearby she now just rolls to get it, and rolls from one room into another. She's almost sitting up by herself - she can hold it for so long before flopping to the side. And her eating is coming on every day!

She is absolutely loving her fruit and veggies, she honestly can't get it down her quick enough most nights. We've started introducing a little bit of finger food, too. After my last post about weaning someone commented - unsure if it was being helpful or snide; I'll hope the first - to say that the way I was planning on weaning Peyton could not be classed as baby-led weaning when she hits six months because I'd done purees before. Apparently the way I am doing it is 'traditional weaning'. Tags aside, it's working for us so far.

I've given Peyton some of the Kiddilicious wafers. They basically look like prawn cracker texture/consistency that are shaped like tiny surf boards. They melt in the mouth so Peyton doesn't need to chew them, as such, so there's less risk of choking. I thought these would be good practice for her to get used to putting stuff in her mouth/biting etc. She's loved them so far and is really, really good at her hand-eye coordination. We've also tried her with some Ella's Kitchen melty sticks. These are kind of like big Wotsits. When I say 'big', they're not like a bread stick size. Again, these melt in the mouth and are great for hand-eye coordination and getting her used to finger foods.

She's really starting to get the hang of it now - she bites down, chews, moves the food around her mouth etc. It makes me more excited for when she turns six months and I can just get her onto everything we are eating - within reason, obviously.

Flavours wise, she absolutely loves broccoli. I mentioned that last time, I think. We've since added in peas, and she's been a fan of that. We've tried avocado which went down brilliantly! We then did broccoli, peas and green pepper which she practically inhaled.

We've started adding in some fruit now, too. She's had banana on its own, banana and apple, then banana, apple and pear. I've also added some pear to avocado for a sort of 'pudding' after her veggie 'main course'. Greens seem to be a hit so I may go back to carrot/sweet potato etc. and try some new variations with those.

So far, though, there's not been anything that she's not liked, which is good. And nothing that she's struggled with, either. I try make sure everything is a slightly different consistency, so she doesn't just get used to swallowing straight away and learns to move it around her mouth etc.

Honestly, I have no idea what I am doing - or if what I am doing is 'right' - but Peyton is loving life and is happy so I will continue.

We don't really have much of a strict, set routine as such. Predominantly because we are out and about practically every single day, so it's hard to be stringent. Peyton basically runs the show, too, and everything is on her terms. But, I try most days to always give her her tea. I offer milk usually around 4pm - depending where we are/if she's asleep. If not at 4pm, then as close as possible. Around an hour later she has her tea - usually one pot of veg followed by something fruity. Some days she will eat both pots entirely, other days she'll only have half. I never force her to eat, as she gets all her nutrition from me at the moment. It's all about textures and tastes, so I don't work myself up about how much she's had.

Some days we'll do breakfast, but that very much depends on our itinerary for the day ahead. If we do breakfast, though, she has baby porridge (when she's six months and can have gluten I am just going to give her the same porridge as we have, but with the oats ground up more) with some fruit puree mixed in, or just fruit puree on its own.

We haven't started with dinner yet, purely because we're usually out and about. It's also a messy time - I tend to strip her off to just a nappy for meal times as it's easier and less of a worry about clothes getting covered in food. I can't be bothered to do that three times a day just yet - and to deal with the clean-up operation after!

I'm very much ready for being able to give her solid solids at six months. She tries to eat everything she gets her hands on. Her favourite thing at the moment is paper. At her christening she ate three order of services. When we've been out she's eaten menus and, last week, she ate the corner of an envelope. Tom said to me the following morning her poo had bits in. It was only later that day I realised it was probably paper!

It's wonderful watching her grow and change everyday. Tom and I sit most nights looking back at pictures and videos from when she was a newborn and it's crazy how much she has changed. Even looking back at photos and videos from just a month ago. It really is true, they grow up so fast!

I'm so unbelievably excited for her first Christmas! She won't have a clue what's going on, next year will be so much better for her, but the memories we can all make to share with her when she's older will be priceless. I remember when I was little I used to love watching home videos from my first Christmas/birthday/other occasions.

There was one video, from when I was a toddler as my brother was born, and dad was videoing me opening the presents from my stocking. I was so excited about every single one, it was so cute. But, what excited me the most, was the fruit in the bottom. Every year, Father Christmas used to leave me a satsuma/clementine in the bottom. I don't know why, but I loved it. I can't wait to have traditions like that with Peyton.

We shouldn't be afraid to say when we are struggling

I've always been guilty of bottling up my feelings, preferring to just slap on a smile and keep going until things improved/blew over; rather than tackling the problem head-on and talking about what's bothering me.

It's something that, since becoming a mum, I have only become worse at.

I don't like asking for help, I would rather struggle through on my own. The bad days are few and far between now, so I know that once Peyton's asleep and in bed (usually with me not far behind!) a new day will soon be upon us, and everything will be harmonious and happy again.

A couple of weeks ago, Peyton had a horrible chest infection. She started with a little cough, that I thought nothing of, but each day it was getting worse and worse. It was sounding really chesty and her breathing wasn't right, either. I took her to the doctors on the Monday and she was given antibiotics (which were a nightmare to give her!). On the whole, while she was poorly, she was still her usual happy, smiley, cheeky self.

That is, until the Thursday of that week, when it was like she had been swapped overnight. She was such hard work that day.

I was already starting to feel a bit frazzled. We hadn't been out all week as I didn't want her chest infection/cold getting even worse. Barely a day goes by where we don't go outside, even if it's just for a walk around the block, so it was a shock to the system being housebound. Neither of us liked it.

All day, on the Thursday, she was unsettled. She just didn't know what she wanted, bless her. She cried when I held her, she cried when I put her down. She cried when she was sat up, she cried when she was lying down. She cried when she had a toy, she cried when I took it away. She also refused sleep all day. She was shattered - rubbing her eyes, big yawns and the lot - but she point blank refused to sleep. She would seem fine, happy and content until she realised she couldn't fit both her feet in her mouth at the same time and then the biggest meltdown you've seen would commence.

It was horrible. I'd been on my own with her all day and I was a woman on the edge. Normally that doesn't bother me, I love our days just me and her. But days like this one I could really do with Tom there to tag team with. When it came to giving her her tea, she was beyond any bringing back. She just screamed, put her hands all in it, rubbed her eyes because she was tired, then cried more. I mean, I would too hun - I can't imagine pureed broccoli and peas being smeared in your eyes was all too nice!

I was at the end of my tether and, when I trapped my finger in the high chair clip, I lost it. I burst into tears and picked up a cushion from the lounge and screamed into it. I think it's the first time I've ever done that. It made me feel a bit better, but I felt completely and utterly overwhelmed. When Tom text to say he was on his way home I felt marginally better, I knew it would be over soon and I could go have a bath and some peace and quiet.

So, when he rang me just over an hour later to say he was stuck in traffic and would still be about 45 minutes I lost it. I couldn't cope any longer, so bedtime it was. For us both.

As soon as Peyton starts getting ready for her bath she calms down and whatever was wrong with her is cured. We had a nice, peaceful bath time followed by a cuddle, a book, her feed and, surprise surprise, she was straight to sleep. As I put her in her bed, I burst into tears. She looked so angelic, peaceful and happy.

I could hear her raspy, rattly breathing and her lips were in a pout. And suddenly I felt so guilty.

So guilty for wishing her to go to sleep, guilty for getting so upset, and guilty for feeling like, at times that day, that I couldn't cope. I sat on the bed sobbing (silently, I didn't want to risk waking her!) and posted on my Instagram story the above image. I mentioned how I'd had an absolutely dreadful day and, literally within minutes, was inundated with messages.

I did feel a little bit like that person on Facebook who posts the really emotional, cryptic status and everyone comments "ohhh, you ok hun?" I didn't post them for the attention - in fact, I'd rather not have admitted to anyone that I was having an absolutely shite day - but to show people that not everything is rosy all the time. Social media can be so deceptive, only showing the positives, but I want to be realistic.

As it turned out, everyone who messaged me said their child had been exactly the same that day. So, I came to the conclusion that babies/children are like pets and their moods are affected by the moon.

I still locked myself in the bathroom and cried. Tom was home by this point and if he saw me as upset as I was he would have started the "do you need to talk to someone?" chat again, and that just winds me up even more. At that moment in time, I probably should have talked to him about it. But, honestly, I was so beside myself that I don't think I'd have made much sense. I knew I was just exhausted - mentally, physically and emotionally. I went straight to bed and knew, the next morning, everything would be fine.

We were going to see my best friend and her little girl the next day - going on a nice long walk; our favourite activity! I was so looking forward to it because, not only were we finally getting out of the house, I knew I'd be able to talk to her about my dreadful day.

I can tell Tom when I've had a bad day and, while he listens and makes a real conscious effort to help out more when he knows I feel overwhelmed, he doesn't understand the same. We've always been able to be open with each other, and we've never been ones to really argue. However, since Peyton has been born, we have bickered and argued more than we ever, ever have before! It's mental. Nothing ever lasts, though, and we soon laugh about whatever was bugging us. We are bound by our love for Peyton which sometimes is so strong we bump heads on the most insignificant, unimportant, tiny details. 

Back to my point... I know when I talk to Soph about stuff that I am 'struggling' with that she gets exactly what I mean. She doesn't think I'm crazy, or losing the plot, or a bad mum. She understands when you wish for the day to be over and it be bedtime, only to then want to wake them up and cuddle them and apologise for being exasperated.

After a good seven mile walk, and a pit-stop for a McDonald's en route, I felt like nothing had ever happened. I moaned to Soph, I told her how I'd had the day from hell and Peyton just seemed to cry non-stop all day, and explained how I felt like, for a snap second, I couldn't cope. She knew, straight away, that it was just a one-off and told me I could cope absolutely fine and was doing a great job. As did I, when we got to McDonald's and Peyton was back to being her playful, happy self sitting on the table, trying to drink my drink and trying to play with everything within reach.

My point is, talking about how I felt made me feel so much better. Coupled with the fact, of course, that she was back to her normal self straight away. I think if it had lasted beyond that one day I would have lost the plot. We're so lucky that those days are few and far between. I definitely don't think I would cope if she was fussy like that everyday. 

But, if she was, I would have to swallow my pride and ask for help. My mum is amazing, whenever she has a day off she always sees what we're doing and, if we're free, she comes round or we go out somewhere. Whenever she knows Tom is working late, or if Peyton's not been well or I don't feel great, she offers to come round and help. She always lends a hand without me even needing to ask. Sometimes, though, I should ask.

I'm so lucky to have Soph - I've always said this, but it's particularly true now. Having someone so close to you who has a baby almost the exact same age is invaluable; not just for all the good times, but the bad days, too. No matter how stupid you may think something you are thinking is, you can almost always guarantee the other has thought it, too. We swap mum guilt stories, we reassure each other and we know the other is always there. We talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. I honestly wouldn't be without her.

Having an amazing support network is vital. As much as I love my own space (and when I say my own space, I mean completely taken over by Peyton), and I don't like to talk about how I feel or ask for help, I do crave social interaction some days. It's strange how some days I can be happy to just be me and Peyton, going out of my way to avoid social interaction because I've not showered for a couple of days, brushed my hair for a few more, and have a spot the size of Wales erupting on my chin. Yet, other days, I get so tired of talking to myself and just want to go out somewhere for lunch, shopping or just a walk.

There's no rhyme or reason to it. 

I really, really feel for people who have post-natal depression. It was one of my greatest worries before Peyton was born, that I would be hit with it. On the bad days I do question whether I have aspects of it. I always tell myself that, if I still feel that way the following morning I will ring the doctors or my health visitor. I'm a firm believer in not doing rash things on bad days. If things still seem bad the next day, then act on it. And, of course, after a good(ish, because, let's be realistic, I have a five month old baby) sleep everything that seemed overwhelming the day before seems so insignificant.

Before I get chance to dwell on the trauma of the day before, Peyton's usually done something funny, learnt something new or just flashed me her incredibly cheeky smile and I just feel so full of love and pride I feel I could burst.

I didn't think my hormones could be much more wild than when I was pregnant but, jee-wiz, post-natal hormone are something else entirely!

No matter how bad it may seem some days, it'll all soon pass. Talking is the best medicine; along with a good cry, a nice hot bath and a decent sized bar of chocolate and/or glass of wine.

The great parenting debate

Once you become a parent you soon learn that people likes to judge, pass comment and strike up debate about everything. And I mean everything.

Whether it's breast or formula, bed sharing or a Moses basket, cloth nappies or disposable nappies, self soothing or rocking to sleep... there's always one busy body who has something to say about it all.

I mentioned in my blog the other day how we had started weaning Peyton this last week. We started initially on some baby porridge before giving her pureed vegetables. I mentioned we got the Cow and Gate baby porridge because it was the only one I could see in Boots that was gluten free, and my health visitor told me to not give any gluten before five or six months (can't remember which!) 

I joined a baby led weaning group on Facebook as, ideally, I'd like to do this with Peyton. Possibly with a mixture of purees, but we'll see how we get on.

Anyway, my point (there is one, I promise!)... some of the comments I see on people's posts on this group are absolutely shocking. People genuinely asking for advice or support, and the perfect mum brigade putting them down.

I've seen someone ask if it was ok to start giving puree veg to their little one from four/five months, then do BLW from six months. Only for someone to jump in and say "well, no, because that won't be baby led weaning it'll be baby less weaning."

Well, hang on love, it's clearly not "baby less weaning" unless you were just feeding vegetable puree to your child's high chair. If the food is going in the baby's mouth, I'd say you're managing to wean said baby. Of course, it's not baby led by definition, but there's nothing to say you can't start baby led later down the line.

Another post, on the same group, really rattled my cage. It was from a mum asking if she could start her little one with baby led weaning a couple of weeks before they were six months because they were showing all the signs. The comments were completely split down the middle - half of them saying it was fine as guidelines state "around six months" and the other half saying no.

The half saying no didn't just say no, though. They tore into this poor woman like there was no tomorrow. One woman even had the audacity to say she would risk killing her baby by starting doing BLW before six months because of the choking risk. Slightly overdramatic I'd say, but completely and utterly unwarranted.

Now, I'm no health professional, but I really don't see what difference there will be in your baby in a matter of days. Peyton will turn six months on December 20, but I don't know what she will learn/develop overnight from December 19 (when she will be 26 weeks) that means I can't start with her then.

The guidelines say "around six months" and, to me, that means anything two weeks either side.

If it weren't for all the good meal ideas this group has been giving me for when I do start BLW with Peyton I'd be out of it like a shot. But I wanna stay and watch what everyone else is doing, so I'll just continue to get silently annoyed at the judgemental Judys who are picking on every single thing other mums do.

It really, really bugs me how horrible mums can be to each other on these "support" groups. Of course, the majority are helpful, supportive and full of advice. As with anything, it's the minority that ruin it.

It's similar with a breastfeeding support group that I am part of. Don't get me wrong, it's been invaluable to me at times. There's always someone asking something I have been wondering, and I've picked up so much knowledge and support from it.

But people can be mean.

If anyone dare to mention doing formula top ups, they're instantly told not to do it. If anyone has the audacity to ask for tips on weaning their baby off the boob, almost every comment is someone trying to convince them to continue boobing. If anyone asks for tips and advice on expressing milk at any time before eight weeks they're instantly shot down. This bugs me the most, I think, because expressing for me in the early days was not only necessary because my boobs were like gigantic milk-filled rocks that needed the pressure relieving, but so I could have a break and let Tom give her some bottles (and yes, he gave her bottles of formula too - heaven forbid!!!)

I've seen so many people ask the group for tips on stopping breastfeeding and nobody ever gives any advice, just pressures them into continuing. Now I've noticed people justifying their decision to stop - like you should ever have to justify your decision on how you feed your baby to anyone. When I eventually come to stop I won't ask for advice on there, because I know they'll just try talk me out of it. And that's not supportive.

Similarly, when someone says they aren't convinced their supply is enough for their baby so they are giving formula too. Or, like I saw today, one mum said her baby had formula in a bottle when she left her with her dad/grandma. Straight away the comments were "why don't you try expressing some milk and building a freezer stash so she can take that instead of formula?"

Why? What's wrong with formula? If that mum wants to give her baby formula, she can give her baby formula. It's hardly like she's letting her neck a double vodka and coke from a bottle, is it?!

I'm sure the woman who posted that comment did so with all good intentions, but I would've taken that really to heart if I was the mum it was aimed at. Anything that ever seems to bring into doubt or question your parenting, no matter how insignificant, hits you hard.

The screenshot of that tweet that I have posted above, oh my god. When that was first posted it kept getting shared into this support group and people were going mental.

"My kids won't eat Haribo and McDonald's" and "of course it matters whether it's breast or formula" were common.

News flash: it doesn't matter.

If your baby is fed and happy, and you, as a mum, are happy, then that's all that matters. Not everyone can breastfeed, and not everyone wants to. Just because someone can't, for whatever reason, doesn't mean they should be shamed or made to feel bad about it.

Whilst I have my gripes with these support groups, as I said earlier, they have been invaluable to me at times; particularly the breastfeeding support one. It's a shame the minority ruin it for everyone else. It does make me apprehensive sometimes to post when I do genuinely have a question, just incase someone attacks what I am doing.

I haven't posted anywhere, apart from my blog the other day, about starting to wean Peyton. I don't want anyone to comment on what I'm doing, tell me it's too early or question why. I did my research before starting and was confident that P was ready - which she clearly was as she devours what I give her. Of course, other people's opinions don't matter. But, as I said above, as soon as anyone has anything to say about how you parent your baby you take it to heart straight away.

We've so far tried sweet potato, then carrot, and yesterday tried broccoli. So far, broccoli has been her favourite. But, then, broccoli is my favourite, too!

I'm going to start mixing in some new flavours with those base ones, now. I think, next, we'll try broccoli and pea.

Annabel Karmel's book is fabulous for suggesting vegetables and flavours that work together, so we'll start working our way through them.

As I said the other day, I'm not trying to get P onto three meals yet. I'm purely doing it to get her used to new tastes and textures. She seemed so ready for food, and has done so well with it so far that I am glad I didn't wait.

I took her to be weighed on Tuesday and she now weighs 14lb 14oz - so it can't be doing her any harm! She's still following the 50th centile line on her chart, as she has been since she was born. I always offer her a feed from me when we're doing with whatever flavours she is having that day, so even if she doesn't get full up from her 'food' then she still gets the offer of milk from me.

I don't really know what I'm doing, like with everything else. What's working for us at the moment, might not work for someone else and their baby. What flavours, tastes and textures Peyton likes won't necessarily be favourites of another baby. That's what's so wonderful about this journey that we're on, it's completely unique. While that makes it all the more difficult, it's so special. Muddling through it together, working out what works best for you, and seeing the rewards from that.

As long as Peyton remains the happy, smiley baby girl that she is, goes to sleep at night with a fully tummy, and is loved by us then that is all that matters; and that goes for all babies and their mums/dads.

Debate is great, but let's remember we're all new to this. Supporting someone else won't take anything away from you.