30/05/2014

A guide to understanding women.

It’s one of the most over-used phrases by the male half of the population: ‘women are so difficult to understand’.  Men across the world struggle, on a daily basis, to make sense of the complex, ever-changing female and her actions.

It’s true, to some degree, that women are complex characters who take a fair bit of time to understand.   

But, it’s time to let the gentlemen of this world know that women are not as complex as you have been led to believe. 

We are very simple creatures, really.

Here are 10 things you probably didn't know/understand about women before today.  Maybe now you will see we aren't that different from you after all:

  1. We understand the offside rule.
Most women have seen Bend it Like Beckham and the handy demonstration with the French mustard and the terriyaki sauce.  We know how it works.


  1. We poo.
Yes, sorry guys, but it’s true.  We poo.  Once a day, twice a day... We even talk about it with each other.  Not so dissimilar to men after all!  We also fart.  It’s unlikely that it was just our ‘skin rubbing on the leather seat’ or the dog.  We only fib to save yourselves; we know how much the images of people like Mila Kunis, Michelle Keegan, and Margot Robbie having a big poo really upset you. 


  1. Just because we are crying doesn't mean we are sad.
Women cry all the time – hormones are a dangerous thing.  We cry when we are happy, sad, confused, angry, worried... We’ll cry at Coronation Street, X Factor, Made in Chelsea, the news, Crufts... Don’t question or mock it – we can’t help it!


  1. Girls talk.
We tell each other everything – no matter how big or small (literally, in every sense of the word...).  Just like you brag about things to your mates, we do the same.  But we don’t just brag – we tell every, single, tiny detail no matter how insignificant it may seem.  So, whether you have done something good or bad, we will know.  If you have a reputation as a wannabe lothario who sees himself as the local area’s biggest and best pulling machine, no doubt one of your conquests will have warned other women about this.  We tell each other everything from sex experiences, to how you eat your food, to what colour underwear you wear, to the school you went to and the area you grew up in.  So don’t be alarmed when, upon meeting our friends for the first time, they already know everything about you (including the size of your feet and your dental records).


  1. We know how to drive. And park.
If we have a driving licence, that means that someone has deemed us capable and knowledgeable enough to drive a car on the road, with other cars.  We have a piece of paper which states this.  We can also park said car after we have driven it on the road, with other cars.  We may have our own unique style of parking, preferring to explore more unusual angles and positions within the lines, but we can park nonetheless.  At the end of the day, our car insurance is cheaper for a reason.


  1. We don’t like being wrong.
Just like men, we don’t like being wrong.  We’re stubborn and will very rarely admit if we are in the wrong; again, just like men.  Chances are we know that we are wrong anyway, which means we know that you know that we are wrong, and this realisation is worse than you making us admit it.


  1. We don’t want our own, we just want some of yours.
Whether it be chips, crisps, onion rings, ice-cream, pudding in a restaurant or any other tasty food goods - we don’t want our own; we’re watching our figures, remember.  But, we would like a bit of yours.  There’s no magical explanation as to why this is, maybe it’s a form of FOMO (fear of missing out).  Similarly, you don't want to buy your own shampoo or moisturiser - you just use ours!


  1. We never forget.
Whether it’s the fact you didn't comment on our new hair or you spoke negatively about one of our friends once, four years ago, before you’d even met her – we remember everything.  So don’t be surprised if, during an argument, we bring up something that happened weeks, months, or years beforehand.  If it’s relevant, we’ll use all the ammunition we can lay our hands/memories on.


  1. We change our mind a lot.
It’s a woman’s prerogative.  We like to keep you on your toes, after all.  


  1. We don't nag.
If you picked up your dirty pants from the floor the first time we asked, we wouldn't have to continue to ask.  If you remembered to flush the toilet and not wee on the seat/floor, we wouldn't have to keep reminding you.  It's not nagging, it's gentle reminders.  Just like you gently remind us when you need a shirt ironing or a cup of tea making.


Overall, I think you will agree that women and men are not all that different.  Many of the traits associated with men are also easy to see in women.

Of course, there are aspects of our personalities which differ from female to female and can be somewhat confusing, complex and complicated.  But, with enough practice and perseverance, you will never have to utter the words ‘women are so confusing’ ever again.  Maybe, instead, you will start to see how similar males and females actually are.

And next time you do think about questioning why we are crying at a cat on the news, or complaining that you don't understand why we act the way we do, remember that you aren't the simplest of codes to crack, either.  Blowing hot and cold more often than a faulty boiler; mood swings that could rival our PMT phase; tendencies to enjoy shouting abuse at people in China over a headset while playing a game aimed at prepubescent teenage boys... I could go on.

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