16/05/2015

"I wish I was as 'fat' as the first time I thought I was fat"

"I wish I was as 'fat' as I was the first time I thought I was fat" is a quote I see frequently on a nice pastel background in a fancy font on Instagram or shared on Facebook, and my god is it true!

I am sure every girl in her 20's, and probably even some blokes if they're being really honest, will totally agree that those body woes we had during our teens were nothing but an awkward teenage phase.

I can remember, clear as day, looking at myself in the mirror and seeing this 'whale' looking back at me. 

Body hang-ups and image issues were as regular as breathing for me. Because I've always been tall, and pretty much been the same shape/size since I was 13/14, I've been in size 10 clothes for almost 10 years.

When I stopped being able to shop in 915 at New Look or buy the same things as my friends in Tammy it just made me feel even worse. 

One day me and my mum went shopping for jeans at Matalan. I tried on the age 14 (I was about 12/13 at the time but, being tall, I always had to shop a few ages older) and I couldn't even get them over my knees. Age 15 went a bit further, age 16 were still no good. Size 8 - nope. Size 10 - could get them on but they wouldn't fasten and if I tried to bend they would definitely rip. At 12-years-old I was comfortably fitting into a size 12 pair of jeans. I was mortified. I refused to (let my mum) buy them.

Looking back now, I realise that I wasn't actually fat at all. Compared to all my friends and other girls my age, I was bigger - but that's because I was a different shape. My hips, curves, bum and boobs (well, kinda boobs) developed much quicker. So much so that I still sometimes wear my old school trousers, bought when I started year 10. This is only on a good, slim day, I should add.

Back to my original point, when I was stood there in front of my bedroom mirror all those times worrying that I was fat and wondering what fad diet or exercise regime I could try to be 'skinny' I didn't realise that there wasn't anything wrong with my body shape or size.

I'm sure in 10-20 years time when I've (hopefully) had children, I'll look back to now and wish I could return to this size and shape. 

Everybody has body hang-ups and can find things they don't like about themselves. I bet even Michelle Keegan could list you a load of things that she sees as flaws. But to the rest of the world, she is perfect.

Body confidence comes from within and it doesn't matter how many people tell you that you look great and don't need to lose any weight, you can still never see it yourself.

Everyone is different. Different shapes and different sizes. Comparing yourselves to others is futile because, while they may look like everything you aspire to be, there will be things that they are unhappy with and want to change about themselves. The key is being happy in your own skin and keeping healthy.

I'd rather have my love handles, curves and wobbly bits and keep happy and healthy than be super slim, needing to exercise every day and eat like a rabbit to maintain it.

So yes, while I do wish I was as 'fat' as the first time I thought I was fat, I also know that I will look back at myself today and, one day, wish that I could be this size again.


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