This is probably going to be a bit of a weird post, and not make much sense to many people (although, hopefully some of my fellow preggo friends will understand where I am coming from!)
Ever since my belly started growing at a rapid rate, I have absolutely loved my body changing. It's been amazing watching it grow - sometimes every day - and change shape. And even more amazing now that she's started kicking and we can see her moving around.
At first, I struggled with the gaining weight but not looking pregnant stage, but that soon passed and I've felt really, really confident.
Until last night.
I took this photo after what I am about to talk about, to try and remind myself that things aren't so bad and to stop being so hard on myself because, at the end of the day, I am growing a person!
I am going to an awards ceremony with work tonight; it's black tie. Usually, this would be right up my street - a great excuse to dress up and get a new frock. But, being pregnant, it's hard to find a nice, 'dressy' dress that will be flattering, suit you & not cost the earth. Because, let's be honest, spending a lot of money on a dress is difficult to justify at the best of times, but even more so when it's a maternity one and you know you won't get any wear out of it again.
I shopped around a bit and, after struggling to find one that was dressy enough, settled on a black bodycon dress from Boohoo. It was in the maternity range and the model online was pregnant. Although, whether she was really pregnant is a question I asked myself. Her boobies were way too small to be pregnant lady boobies.
It arrived and I tried it on and there is no way on this earth it was a maternity dress. No friggin' way.
I couldn't even get it over my boobs. When I eventually did, and forced it over my bump and bum, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. And I certainly wasn't comfortable. I felt so self-conscious and like a beached whale. I felt absolutely disgusting.
When I did finally escape the fabric's clutches, I decided to measure it against a similar dress I bought from Boohoo last summer.
This was me, wearing said dress, last summer.
(A bit of pre-baby body appreciation thrown in *sighs*)
When I put the two dresses on top of each other, they were almost exactly the same size!! The one in the above photo is a size 10 (*sighs again*) and the 'maternity' one I bought this week was allegedly a 12.
All my other maternity clothes I have bought, and wear day in, day out, are all size 12 and I have no problems. My skinny maternity jeans (bit of an oxymoron there!) are a 12, tops are 12s - no issues.
I was furious. But, more than that, I was really upset.
I've been trying to remain so body confident throughout pregnancy so far, embracing the changes that are happening to my body and enjoying not feeling pressured to lose weight. I have still been trying to maintain a healthy, balanced diet, but I am enjoying biscuits, cake, chocolate and whatever else I want. It's the only time in my life I will get fat and have an excuse for it.
What will be, will be. Everyone grows babies differently. Every female body is different, so I knew I couldn't predict what mine would do. My boobs, for example. They've grown an insane amount!
I was measured for a maternity bra the other weekend, it was long overdue! I've gone from a 34B to a 36DD.
I took this nice comparison of the bras I was wearing before I got pregnant, compared to the beast I bought the other weekend. Here's a photo, to lighten the tone/mood!
Soph and I were talking in the gym about pregnancy and our bodies changing last week, and a woman came over to us afterwards (she'd overheard our conversation because, apparently, we talk very loud when we're in the gym). She said how lovely it was to hear us talking so positively about embracing all the changes our bodies will go through and not stressing about it.
If she could've seen me last night! I was embracing nothing.
I just wanted to get into bed and cry at how fat and ugly I was. I didn't feel glowy, I didn't feel blooming, and I certainly didn't feel attractive.
Knowing I was being completely irrational and that I would feel like a right muppet when I woke up, I decided to take some photos before I went to sleep to remind myself how great the human body actually is.
And, true enough, when I looked at them this morning I did feel like an idiot. I look at them now, like I look at my body most days, and am so proud of what it is creating inside. There's a tiny miracle growing in there, kicking around and moving all the time.
Yes, my body is changing shape and isn't what it used to be, but it's not going to be like this forever. The gestation period of a human is 40 weeks - I'm well over half way now - so that finish line is almost in sight.
When I lost weight when I started Slimming World, it was so easy. I know it's easy to lose weight by eating well, so I am not worried about that.
Right now, all I am worried about is keeping our little Peanut safe, well fed (no danger of that not happening!) and keep growing her until she's ready to make her arrival into the world. Who gives a chuff what I look like, as long as I am doing my job of growing her and looking after her that is all that matters.
Hopefully the only wobbles I'll have for the rest of my pregnancy is my thighs/bum/extra chins and I'll give over worrying about what I look like. There's plenty of time for that when she's here!
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