More motherhood ramblings

It's been a while since I blogged (until today, when I've already written two posts - one about returning to work, the other about weaning off the boob).

Before these, the last time I shared my posts with you I was talking about how we'd done some sleep training with Peyton. We are still doing really well on an evening in terms of sleep. She goes down now for 7pm and is asleep in less than a minute with zero fussing or crying. She wakes up once for a feed, usually around 3am/4am - which lasts about 10 mins - then is back to sleep until 6ish. Last week, for some unknown reason, she was waking up between 5am and 5.30am every morning. That was draining. But this week we've been back to 6am/6.15am. Monday, she slept till 7.30am!!! That was amaze.

In total, now, she sleeps for about 11 hours (obvs with that one wake up in between) which is a massive improvement on the absolute shit show that we were experiencing around, and after, Christmas.

Daytime naps are still hit and miss. The last two days we've been home when she's been due her morning nap, so she's gone down in her cot. It's taken between 20 and 25 mins to get her off, she fights it like a trooper, but once she's gone down she's slept for around 1hr 20mins. So that's progress! Her afternoon nap, when we're home, is always more successful. It takes about 5-10 mins to get her to give into that one, but she often doesn't sleep for more than 45 mins then.

She's so funny when she wakes up, her hair is always craaaazy. 

Since I last blogged we've seen a little daredevil develop before our very eyes. She lets go of things now when she's standing up, and holds it for a few seconds before toppling down. She has, however, learnt how to fall now. Earlier, she was stood up and fell forwards, but put her hands down to stop her face planting the carpet. Isn't it amazing how they learn these vital things so young?

She has also started taking steps when pushing her walker along. She can't even stand properly unaided yet, so proper walking is a good while away, but she's proper speedy when she's something to hold onto.

I posted a video of her doing it on my Instagram story this week, and I proper questioned myself before and after. I hate posting things of her "achieving" things as I really don't want to sound like one of those braggy parents, always like "look what my one is doing now" and "oh she's done this, that and the other today, isn't she brilliant." I hate it when people compare their babies, it drives me mad. 

Every baby develops differently, because they're all unique little people, so are going to do things at different times. There are things other babies are doing, or have been doing for ages, that Peyton can't do yet. And that's fine. She took much longer than most to be able to sit unaided, but I didn't worry too much about it. And she still doesn't sleep through the night without waking at least once for milk, but she'll get there when she's ready (hopefully sooner rather than later...!) 

Other babies her age are clapping now, or waving, or blowing kisses - she doesn't do any of that. But I'm not worrying about it, she'll do it when she's ready. We're just doing us, because that's all that matters. If I watched what other babies her age were doing all the time I'd go crackers. No two are the same, and that's why the world is so bloody wonderful.

I'm a notorious over-thinker, and consequently a worrier, and always think way too much about what other people will think. I'm conscious of people thinking that all I can talk about is Peyton, so don't like to bombard them with pictures, videos and updates all the time. My social media is basically a shrine to her, but she's literally the only interesting thing in my life so it'd be boring as chuff otherwise! But I'm careful about what I select to post, because I don't want to open myself up to that competitive baby world.

I hope that makes sense! I just wanna be able to do me, and P, but without coming across as too braggy in the process.

Anyway, enough of that, I hope you get what I mean!

This is completely probably not even worth mentioning but I'm so excited cos she looks so cute and grown up, but we got her some hair clips this week and OH MY GOD I CAN'T DEAL WITH HER. Her hair has grown a ridiculous amount in the last week and her fringe was covering her eyes. I am reluctant to get it cut because it sits differently every day, so I don't want it to look wonky or like I've tried to cut it myself. So, instead, I've clipped it out the way and gahhh she just looks so cute.

Sorry, I just had to have that little moment there. (Just for some context, as I was writing that, I started filling up because sometimes she is so cute she makes me wanna cry. Other times, she's such a nightmare she makes me want to cry. And that, ladies and gents, is parenting in a nutshell.)

Anyway, moving on, weaning is going so, so well now. Suddenly, a few weeks ago, she started eating loads more. It was around the time we got her a new plate (this is the one we've got, incase anyone is interested - it was a proper bargain) so I'm not sure whether it being set out differently has helped, but she's certainly eating loads better.

She almost clears her plate now, very little gets dropped down her front and even less gets launched to the floor. 

I still post her meals to a separate account, specific for baby led weaning so as not to annoy my existing followers anymore than I already must do with the P spam, wherever possible/when I remember to take pictures.

Wherever possible, she eats exactly what we eat. I absolutely love watching her eat, I could sit and watch her all day. 

In terms of what I've been eating, the less said about that the better...!

I've gone to town on my last week or so of maternity leave, enjoying way too much cake. My justification has been that I won't be able to do it when I'm back at work, and when I'm at work I'll eat better because I'll take a healthy lunch and healthy snacks to work with me. We'll see how that plays out!

I do need to ditch the cake soon, though, otherwise I'll be living in onesies when we're in Dubai - and the climate there does not allow for that!

I am confident that it will be easier to cut out the crap when I am back at work, I may just need some long lost willpower. I won't be walking anywhere near as much as I am at the moment so I'll need to restrict what goes in my mouth, otherwise I'll be like a potato.

So, aside from Peyton wanting to be in everything (she's opening kitchen cupboards now, forever sticking her head in the washing machine, and always trying to get into the oven - health and safety would have a friggin' field day in our house, sounds awful when I list it like that hahaha!), and me wanting to stuff everything in my face, I don't think there's much else to report.

She has just cut her third tooth today, not that I'd have known if I'd not seen it poking through, and then felt it for confirmation. She's been an absolute delight today - so that is unsettling, somewhat. Hoping and praying that it doesn't mean she'll be up constantly through the night or be a stroppy sass pot over the weekend. So far, so good, though. She's been asleep over two hours now and I don't even think she's moved! *touches wood*

I think that's it from us. I really hope these updates aren't too boring. It's nice to write these things down to look back on in a few months, or years, and remember all the things she was doing and when. I did get a memory book for her which I filled in religiously for the first four months. Since month five, though, it's been very much neglected. So I'm glad that I've done these little updates (roughly) each month to document everything.

We have got such an exciting few months coming up, so I can't wait to see what else will happen in our little lives and log all our memories, achievements and developments.

Just like that, maternity leave is over

And so, just like that, my maternity leave is over. After 40 weeks off work I am going back on Monday morning, bright and early.

Peyton will be dropped off at nursery and our new normal will begin.

When people have asked me how I feel about going back to work, my reply has been "I'm really looking forward to it!!" The look I get sometimes makes me question whether that's the right answer, it's certainly not the answer I think many would expect, but I really am looking forward to it.

Don't get me wrong, I'll miss Peyton like mad. I'll miss spending all my time with her everyday, I'll miss watching her learn new things, and I'll miss the funny faces she has started to pull. But I do love my job, and I can't wait to get my teeth back into it. I'm excited to use my brain again, to throw myself back into the world of local news, and to have adult conversations. I'm excited to wear clothes that aren't gym leggings, and be confident that my outfit will survive the day without getting sick/snot/dribble/faeces on, and I can't wait to drink a hot cup of coffee.

My maternity leave has been everything I imagined it would be, and so much more. I've been so incredibly lucky to have been able to share the majority of my time off with my best friend, who had her gorgeous baby girl just 8 weeks after Peyton was born. To spend so much time with the two of them, and watch how they have grown and start to interact with each other, has been amazing. Maternity leave can be incredibly, incredibly lonely at times - I learnt this very quickly - but having Soph off too made the world of difference for me. You really realise who your true friends are when you have a baby. When I was having bad days, I knew she understood. When I told her how I'd spent the day previous with a cranky, grumpy baby who was a nightmare from waking to bedtime, she understood. When I told her that I spent almost as much time crying as she did one day, she understood. Having someone there who understands exactly what you're going through is invaluable. Even down to the post-birth changes to our bodies - the things you wouldn't be able to talk to anyone else about. Honestly, I couldn't have got through the last nine months without her.

Gosh, that got very serious very quickly!

I'm feeling all soppy now.

So yes, anyway, my maternity leave has been everything I imagined.

We've been on so many walks - whether it just be into town and back, or to a nice picturesque place - we have been to baby groups, to soft play, swimming, farms, aquariums, parks, shopping centres, and more coffee shops/cafes than I care to admit. I've watched This Morning religiously (I'll miss Holly and Phil when I'm back full time), become obsessed with the ITV gameshows (Tenable and Tipping Point are really underrated!), and watched a hell of a lot of Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom, Peppa Pig and Teletubbies. FYI, Ben and Holly is by far the clear winner out of the three. Peppa is just a brat and the Teletubbies are as annoying as they were in the 90s (seriously, why can't they just speak properly?!)

So yes, whilst I am excited to be going back to work, I do feel pangs of guilt, too. Yep, that bastard mum guilt is back rearing its ugly head.

Peyton will go to nursery three full days a week, which I know she will love, but I feel guilty that the staff there will get to see every development she makes before I will. They'll get to see her learning new things and growing and changing, and I'll just get a couple of hours with her at the start of the day and before bed.

I love my job, but part of me does wish that we were in the financial position where I could go part-time. I'm sure once I get back into the swing of it I'll enjoy full-time, but right now I am feeling guilty that we'll be apart so much through the week. I hope when she's older she understands.

However, I know she will love nursery. And I know it'll encourage her development even more. She loves playing with toys and she is obsessed with other children. She gets so excited when she sees them, she squeaks like a bird and flaps her arms and legs until she's put down to crawl on over. One of the things they said after her first settling in session was how confident she is - although with Tom and I as parents, it's no wonder really!!

She has done all her settling in sessions now and they've gone so, so well. The first one, I stayed with her and just sat at the edge of the room. Off she went playing, pretty much straight away, and only came back to me a couple of times. The second one, we left her there. The staff said she was absolutely fine until about 20-25 minutes in, when she realised we had gone, and she got a bit upset. They said they were able to distract her with books/sensory toys and she was ok. She'd missed her nap before we dropped her off, though, so I think tiredness played a part in that.

She's been for her final session today, where we left her again, and she had an absolute ball. She had her dinner there - today was cottage pie with veggies, followed by trifle - and the staff said they couldn't believe how much she ate. I'd mentioned to them we were doing baby led weaning and they could just put the plate down and she'd feed herself, and the lady said that's exactly what she did. She said they weren't sure how much she'd eat, but she cleared her plate! "She eats a lot for someone so small," was the feedback. That's my girl.

They said the only time she got a bit cranky was when they tried to clean her face - she hates her face being wiped - but other than that was a delight. That makes me feel so much better about leaving her full days from Monday.

I haven't felt teary leaving her yet, and I know I'll be fine on Monday so long as she doesn't cry. If she cries, then I definitely will.

I think, because I've left her for work when I've done my keeping in touch days, I'm more used to it than if I'd never left her before. I remember my first keeping in touch day I felt emotional when I was on my way to work. I remember having these awful butterflies in my tummy until about dinner time, and was desperate for my mum to send me updates throughout their day.

The only thing I am worried about with regards to going back to work/P going to nursery is how the hell we are going to get up, both get ready, and everything we need for the day ready and out the house by 7.45am.

Honestly, I don't know how I'll manage it. Tom is neither use nor ornament on a morning, it takes him over an hour just to get himself ready! Before Peyton was born I used to be able to get up, washed, dressed and out the house within half an hour from waking up. Tom would come in and say bye to me while I was putting my make-up on, saying he was leaving, and I'd still manage to leave the house before him because of all his faffing!

So I think mornings will be a solo effort on my part...! (Sorry babe!)

Maternity leave has been the most challenging, yet rewarding, nine months of my life. I've felt love like I never knew existed, but I've also felt frustration, anxiety, sleep deprivation and sheer desperation some days. I've learnt so much about myself that I never knew. I'm not as patient as I thought I was, something that I have tried really hard to work on since realising; I rarely put myself first; and I need to open up more. I do not cope well on little sleep, I worry too much what other people think, and I struggle to switch off and relinquish control.

I've fallen in love with this tiny little ball of chaos who, some days, tests me beyond belief. She forever keeps me on my toes and could cause mischief in an empty room, but she's helped me become a better - albeit more haggard - version of me. She's a whirlwind who lights up the room with her infectious smile, her babbling and her sheer determination.

I'm so unbelievably proud of the little girl that Tom and I have raised so far. It's been hard work some days, but it's all been worth it.

I can't wait to see what else is in store for her - growing up with a best friend in Olivia, making new friends at nursery, learning more new things, and enjoying a whole host of new experiences.

The world is our oyster, baby girl, let's go get it.

Am I old? Or am I sensible?

I had a realisation the other night, while watching Pointless, that I am old. And no, it wasn't watching Pointless that made me realise that.

Okay, maybe "old" is an exaggeration, but I am definitely (more) sensible now.

It was a "celebrity" special - aptly named Pointless Celebrities - and Fern Britton was on it with her daughter. As they swapped places behind the little podium, I noticed what her daughter was wearing.

"My god, her dress is short!" I said to Tom. "You'd almost be able to see her bum if she turned around."

And that, right there, was when I knew. It was so funny because my housemates from uni even messaged our group chat with old photos from uni and we all said how short our outfits were and how we'd never wear anything like that now.

From the age of 17 to around 21, I would have worn that dress Fern Britton's daughter was sporting. I would have probably worn it so that it just covered my bum cheeks. Hell, I sometimes used to wear t-shirts as 'dresses'. I wouldn't have batted an eyelid - the shorter the better was always my motto.

When I look back at what I used to wear, particularly at university, I never, ever wore anything that wasn't short. And I don't regret it, not for one second. But gosh, you wouldn't catch me in anything like that now. I get paranoid when something goes too high above my knees!

But when I was younger, and I felt like the most grown-up person in the world, I was far more confident. Confident about my body, about myself, and about pulling risqué outfits off. I look at pictures from uni where I am wearing leopard print hot pants and I can see how confident I was in my smile, my pose, and my whole body language. And what reason did I have not to be confident? I was happy in myself and, sure, I could pick flaws - but what girl couldn't?

I still have those leopard print hotpants. Not to wear again - I don't think I'll ever see the day I leave the house in them again. But to remind me of how happy and confident I was to wear them.

I remember someone saying to me they were worried if I was "ok" after seeing some of the outfits I wore when I was at uni. I was more than ok - I was so happy.

We're too quick to judge women based on what they wear. I've said before that the argument that a woman is "asking for it" just because she's wearing something short, or revealing, is absolutely barbaric.

I wish I still had the confidence - and the body - to pull off some of the outfits I used to wear. But, then again, I'd look a bit overdressed for walking around Morrisons and sitting in Costa with an iced latte; and they'd just end up covered in baby sick! At least it would make a change from my own...

ABC - after birth, breastfeeding and colic

Since I wrote about my breastfeeding struggles the other week I have had so many lovely messages from people - some friends, some family and some complete strangers. So, thank you, if you got in touch/commented with your own experiences/support.

It's so comforting to know that the difficulties you are experiencing are not unusual and have been felt by others.

Being a first-time mum is hard. Peyton is one month old now and we still have no idea what we're really doing.

Throughout pregnancy you're prepared for birth but not for any of the stuff that comes after. Not just the stuff with the baby, but the recovery your body has to go through too.

After Peyton was born, and I was being stitched up, the midwife showed Tom how to put a nappy on. She came back later after our few hours of skin to skin and showed Tom how to put on a vest and sleep suit while I got myself dressed. That night, when we got onto the ward, Peyton needed changing and I had no idea what to do. How do you get the vest over their head? How the hell do you get their wriggly little arms through the arm holes? How do you get them to keep still while you change a nappy? I had no clue.

I ended up pressing the buzzer and getting someone to come and help me. I felt like such an idiot, I didn't even know how to change and dress my own baby. 'I bet they think I'm a terrible mum,' I thought. 

So when I struggled to feed her as well, I felt even worse. Not only could I not dress or change her, I couldn't feed her myself either. It's so overwhelming those first few hours after having a baby. I couldn't believe this tiny person who I'd felt wriggling inside of me, growing by the day, for the last nine months was finally here. I'd not slept for two days, Tom had gone home for the night and me and Peyton were in the room on the ward on our own. Suddenly I was left in charge of this tiny person who was so fragile, so delicate and so loud when she cried.

Barely an hour goes by when I don't have to Google something. Whether it's how foods I eat can affect my breast milk (I have quickly learnt that strawberries do not have a positive impact on my breast milk and create an awful lot of shit, literally); how we can help improve colic (I must Google this twice an hour hoping someone will come up with some new, innovative technique that works a treat first time and wasn't there the last 50 times I looked! Seriously, anyone has any tips pleeeease hit me up!); how to store my expressed breast milk properly; is she allergic to the cats?; why is she still crying?; does she have reflux?; how do I safely put her on her tummy for tummy time?; are my iron tablets making her unsettled?; why do I sweat so much at night? (apparently postpartum sweating is super common as it gets all that extra fluid out of your body - who knew?!); has she been asleep too long?

I swear, I literally know nothing. I don't know how my mum and dad raised me and my brother without Google?!

Someone gave us a book called First Time Parent and, honest to God, it's the closest thing to a baby instruction manual I think we could have got. It's got everything in there from how to change a nappy (probably should have read it before she was born, in hindsight!) to how to wind them, what to do if you, or they, are constipated, and so much more.

But what about all the stuff your body is going through? Nobody tells you about any of that beforehand.

I've seen videos and blogs before where women have talked about the post-birth traumas, but nothing can really prepare you for the after effects of birth. I had an episiotomy, so obviously have the healing process from that as well as the general recovery of pushing a 7lb 12oz baby out of my foof. There's the anxiety around your first trip to the toilet, the extra long period your body seems to have to make-up for having nine months off, the abdominal pains as your uterus retracts back to its previous size...

I knew it wasn't realistic for you to snap back to your pre-baby body and be in your pre-baby jeans a week after giving birth, but I didn't anticipate it taking so long to at least stop looking a bit pregnant. Granted, a lot of what I have to shift will be general weight gain since I adopted the mindset of "if I'm going to get a big belly anyway I may as well eat what I want and enjoy it"... but still!

I've touched on it already here, but let's go back to breastfeeding for a minute.

We are still going with it and, honestly, it is getting much easier now. She is settling into something of a routine and we both seem to have got the hang of it a bit more. She is still a bit lazy with her latch sometimes, and that makes my toes curl. She can also be super fussy, pulling off and going back on, then off and on and off and on...

On the whole, though, I think we have finally cracked it. I could have so easily given up a few weeks ago, primarily because I didn't know what was happening was normal.

I don't want to take anything away from the community midwives or the midwives in hospital because they do an extraordinary job under really difficult circumstances. However, I do feel they push breastfeeding at all your appointments but they don't tell you any of the realities to expect.

They don't tell you how tiring it is. They don't tell you how frequently they will want to feed. They don't tell you that cluster feeding is completely normal, and doesn't mean that you aren't giving your baby enough milk. They don't tell you that you will pretty much sit constantly with one boob out feeding your baby for the first two weeks. They don't tell you any of the bad stuff - but it's the stuff you need to know.

If you were better prepared, you wouldn't stop because you thought you were doing it wrong/not giving your baby enough milk/your baby wasn't satisfied. Thankfully I spoke to a midwife about what I thought I was doing wrong the morning after a particularly bad night where Peyton just cluster fed for about five hours solid. We eventually gave her a bottle of formula and she guzzled it. I assumed I couldn't give her the milk she needed, but I was wrong. She told me it's completely normal for them to feed like that. And formula top-ups will always be guzzled, regardless of how full they are.

Feeding your baby is a minefield, and it's not one that I feel new mums should be thrown into without the correct information, support and advice. Regardless of whether you choose to formula feed or breastfeed, nobody should be judged and everyone should be supported. Even formula feeding is hard - how much, how often, what kind of bottles, what kind of formula, how long you can let them still go on a bottle after initially starting it... What works for one mum, and one baby, won't work for another. I saw this the other day on a Facebook breastfeeding support group I am part of and really resonated with it...

If you and your baby are happy and thriving, at the end of the day that is all that matters. When I had Peyton weighed at 16 days old she had put on almost 1lb - they were really pleased with her; especially after our feeding struggles at the start. I'm taking her on Tuesday to be weighed again, so I'm hoping for a similar sort of gain then.

On the public breastfeeding front, I feel so good with that now. Tom had this week off work so we went on loads of days out and spent so much lovely, quality family time together. I fed in the courtyard at Nostell Priory, on a picnic bench in the Shakespeare Rose Theatre in York, in a restaurant, in Cafe Nero, and on a bench outside The Deep; amongst other places.

I must add, feeding on the bench outside The Deep came after storming out of the cafe there because everyone was staring at us. Granted, Peyton was screaming as she was more than. ready for some boob, but it was so busy we had to sit right in the middle of all the tables and everyone was staring while I was trying to get her latched on - which made it even more difficult.

Other than that hiccup, it's been a walk in the park since my last post.

Now we've cracked breastfeeding, we've encountered a new battle - colic.

It has been truly awful, but I think we have it under control a bit better now.

The other Friday, she woke at 3am - which is normal. I fed her and changed her and she usually goes straight back down; not this time. She started screaming and crying and nothing could console or settle her. Eventually she went to sleep just before 7am. Tom had gone to sleep downstairs about 4am because he was at work that day. She napped on and off until 9am, woke for a feed and then was crying and screaming without any break from 10am until 10.30pm. If she stopped it was to feed briefly and nap for five minutes. She was clenching her fists, pulling her knees up to her tummy... it was just awful. She seemed in so much pain.

I lost count of how many times I cried that day. It was awful.

Before that horrific day, she used to scream and cry every night from about 5pm until 10pm. After some trusty Googling - I found a great website called Cry-sis which offers advice and support for crying and sleepless babies - I realised it was maybe colic.

We'd bought some Infacol before she was born "just to have in" so we started giving her a drop before every other feed from that horrible Friday. I also slightly adapted my diet, cutting out foods that Google told me could affect a baby. It took a few days to notice a real difference, but now she is so much better. Her wind comes up so much easier and she's much happier in herself. She actually spends time awake now when she isn't crying/screaming and is nice and playful, which is lovely! She's also started cooing and making cute little sounds. She's changing so much everyday, it's amazing.

We are starting to get into a little routine with her now, which is nice. Bedtime starts at 9pm when Tom baths her (I get to have a shower and wash my hair at this point, which is bliss!). Tom would then give her a bottle of expressed milk, as we really wanted him to get that bond of feeding her too. However, the last few nights she has stopped taking the bottle as easily so she has been having her nightly feed from me, instead. She falls asleep between 10pm and 11pm, waking up at 3am/4am for a feed and change. We also like to read to her before bed. She doesn't understand at the moment, obviously, but we're hoping it won't be long till our funny voices and faces when reading will get little smiles from her.

You may also like: My birth story

Hello, it's me!

Still alive - and still pregnant! You may have wondered since I haven't blogged about it for so long..

But here I am, at 31 weeks, in all my pregnant glory (I use the word glory in the loosest possible sense, I don't feel all too glorious at the moment! More like a puffy, swollen, uncomfortable blob.)

I've been pretty quiet for the last couple of months in terms of blogging because I was really struggling with what to write. I was really conscious of boring/spamming you all with the pregnancy posts and just repeating myself over and over again.

So, I took a little bit of a break from writing down my every movement, experience, emotion etc. and have, as a result, found myself in a bit of a rut. Kind of like writer's block.

Quite a lot of people have started saying to me "oh have I missed a post recently?" or "you've not blogged for ages" which makes me feel even more like this needs to be absolute gold (prepare yourselves, it's probably going to be absolute garbage!)

Today marks the 32-week mark of pregnancy, meaning we have just eight weeks until her due date. She is approximately the size of a Florida Pomelo (?!?!) or, in English, as long as a kale stem.

What I like best is seeing each week how big her hands and feet are getting...

I can totally believe they are that size when I get them jabbed into my ribs while it feels like she's doing some sort of Irish jig.

Aside from her, and me, growing at a rapid rate by the week, I don't feel like there's been much that I have missed blogging about.

I suppose the main thing would be our hypnobirthing classes. Tom said to me when we finished them I should write a review, but I would feel a bit of a cheat writing a review about hypnobirthing before actually doing the birthing part of it.

Don't get me wrong, up until now it's been absolutely marvellous! We are both so much calmer, more prepared and positive about the whole birthing situation and definitely feel like, providing there are no medical issues, we will be able to properly practice all the techniques we have learned.

Quite a few people have asked me about hypnobirthing, it's getting more and more common but is still relatively unknown. A lot of people think it's a bit 'hippy-ish' and dismiss it to the same bracket as vegans and feminists.

Essentially, it is overcoming the fear that we are programmed to feel about childbirth. And the only reason we are made to think this way is because we are told so many horror stories about birth. I don't know people insist on doing it, especially when they can see you are pregnant and can't back out now!

We are made to think that labour is going to be this horrible, painful, distressing, traumatic, worst-thing-in-the-world experience. Don't get me wrong, I don't dispute it's going to be painful. But if it was really that bad, women wouldn't keep having babies.

So many people whose hypnobirthing stories I have read have said they tried the technique because their first labour was so bad and wanted a much calmer, more positive birth.

I am hoping that if we can go into the whole thing feeling more positive and calm, my body will be positive and calm in response.

Another reason we opted for hypnobirthing was because Tom was a bit worried about labour. I know what you're thinking, he doesn't have to do it so what is he worrying for?

But he was worried that he wouldn't be able to keep calm, or to cope seeing me in pain. He was worried he wouldn't have a role, and wouldn't know what to do to try and help the situation. And I can completely understand his worries. There's nothing worse than feeling helpless while watching someone in so much pain and discomfort.

Since doing hypnobirthing he is now confident, calm and positive and ready for what he can do to help me and the labour progress.

I just hope that everything is straightforward and that we get to put all our practice into action. The only times I have read about it not working is when someone has had to be induced or there have been medical complications. Either way, the techniques we have learned have helped us massively with keeping calm during pregnancy and I definitely feel more prepared and relaxed about the whole situation than I would have done otherwise.

You can expect a full-blown review of hypnobirthing once Peanut has arrived (and I can sit down comfortably for long enough to pen it!)

So, hypnobirthing aside, what else have we been doing?

We put our pram up last weekend which was really exciting but quite daunting because it was just another thing that made it feel really, really real. It's being stored at mum and dad's because we have literally no room at ours at the moment (and they say it's bad luck to have it in the house before baby arrives, so even better excuse to keep it out the way!)

I have my baby shower next weekend which I am really excited about. I got a new dress for it, because I am essentially living in leggings and stretchy t-shirts at the moment. It was from ASOS - I learned my lesson from one of my last posts where I got stuck in a dress from Boohoo - and I really, really love it. It's really floaty and really comfy. 

I'd like to say it's flattering, but there's not much you can do to flatter a watermelon shoved up your top.

I really want to start washing all her little sleepsuits, outfits, bedding and blankets but I know it's too soon to do that just yet. I think that'll be a job I save for when I start maternity, because I know for a fact that first day I'll already be bored.

I can see it now, I'll set out to have a lie in and relax but by 12 noon will have cleaned the house top to bottom and washed the contents of her wardrobe.

We've got some really cute little bits for her recently from Next. Their baby clothes are just the cutest and I literally could buy everything in there.

 

I really like the sets that are tops and leggings so you can mix and match, but I am loving cute little dresses and pinafores too. We've got some lovely little sleepsuits but I am really struggling with what size to buy. I don't want to get loads of newborn because I anticipate her being quite leggy and not fitting in them.

But, by the same token, I don't want to not get any newborn and her be a little dot and not fit in anything. It's a hard balance to strike because the last thing I want is gorgeous little outfits sat there never, ever worn.

I think we are pretty much ready for her arrival now, in terms of items purchased. We have definitely got all the big things sorted, I finally managed to choose a changing bag, and we have enough nappies to see us through the first few months (unless she is some sort of nuclear pooing machine, they will hopefully see us longer than that!!)

The only thing we really still need to get is a baby monitor but it is so, so hard to choose one we are just putting that off for now. There are so many options out there - video, sound only, movement sensors... I feel so overwhelmed by it all! That will be top of the list on our next weekend shopping trip.

I don't want to keep warbling, because I am aware this is probably not the most riveting post you've ever read of mine!! But just one final bit of cuteness for you...

So, our littlest cat, Ashton, is a bit of a pain in the arse. He is a ball of energy and can be really, really naughty sometimes and is very rarely affectionate. However, the last couple of months he has been so cute and affectionate towards me.

He always comes and sits on me and has to have his head as close to my belly as possible. See pictures below...

He just loves sitting watching my belly, or sleeping on it, and it's really cute. I hope he is nice to her when she's here and doesn't try and smother her or anything!

Mila, on the other hand, will absolutely hate her. She hates noise and anything that she isn't used to. I doubt we'll see her for weeks once Peanut arrives and starts asserting her dominance by screaming the house down.

Finally (I promise!) I am having a 'maternity shoot' done at the start of May. It actually falls the day before our first wedding anniversary, and is with the photographer who did our wedding, so that will be nice.

I'm a bit apprehensive about it, and can't see me posting my photos all over for the world to see (famous last words... haha!) I don't feel too confident about my pregnancy body at the moment.

About two weeks ago I woke up one morning and had stretch marks in exactly the same place on both sides of my hips and just underneath my belly button. They literally appeared overnight and I was so, so upset. I'd not had a single one up until then so thought I was going to get away with it, but apparently not. I have been lathering them in every oil and cream I can lay my hands on hoping to tame them/prevent them from getting even worse. I know stretch marks are a bit of a given when your belly is stretching to carry a person around in, but it still doesn't make me any more accepting of them on my abdomen.

Stretch marks aside, I also just feel a bit self-conscious about how much my body has changed. My thighs have taken on a life of their own now and my arms have even started to pad out. I have a little collection of chins developing and my face is definitely developing that pregnancy swell. I just don't feel like myself and I know I won't look at the pictures in the same way that I do my wedding photos and think "wow look at me there".

In years to come, I'm sure I will look back with that view and remember how amazing my body has been at growing our little girl and bringing her into the world. I know that's why people have these photos taken, to have memories and to show their children where they grew etc.

Who knows, I may get a sudden wave of body confidence and suddenly think I'm Demi Moore and just strip off completely!!

So, I think that's about it for now. 

I will try and get a bit more regular with my posts again, but try and make them interesting enough so that I don't bore you all to tears or annoy you with my constant over-sharing. I think I've done quite well in this post - I've barely even trodden on TMI's toes!

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